#I don't know why I'm suddenly down with the sickness but I literally felt it ceep in on real time.

[sixsixships]

Literal flu jumpstare. In my hazy delusion of both cold mecicine, pain killers, and my anti seizure meds I managed to talk myself into a new f/o after doomscrolling their fandom on tiktoks.

[itsjustrosee]

Alright because of all the support on my last post with Stiles, I figured I should write another 😚👍

Worried Sick Stiles Stilinski x fem!reader

Context: established relationship, Stiles comes to visit you when you don't show up to school

Warnings: none, just fluff

Wordcount: 1.1k

You had been in your room curled up in bed, tangled in blankets and stuffed animals all while you were supposed to be at school.

You had just gotten your period and your cramps left you nothing short of bedridden and on the verge of throwing up all day. You were experiencing womanhood at its absolute finest, to say the least.

Suddenly, the door to your room swung open, and a very confused and distressed Stiles entered your room. His expression softened once he saw you weren't dead or bleeding out, and a wave of relief seemed to wash over him.

"Not using the window to get in anymore?" You asked jokingly, rolling to your side to face Stiles who had now set down his bag and kneeled at the side of your bed. Being Scott's twin, you and Stiles needed to keep your relationship a secret. That's why when it came to hanging out, Stiles would always come in through your window rather than your front door so the both of you wouldn't get caught.

"Well, you gave me a key to your house for a reason right? Also going in through the window would've taken me too long," Stiles explains, his expression still slightly filled with worry as he placed one of his hands on your bed while the other tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

"What were you in such a rush for?" You ask with a chuckle in reaction to Stiles's seriousness, snaking your hand out of your covers and placing it on top of his.

"Well you didn't show up to school and I was worried," He explains, his expression soft and genuine. "I thought something bad might've happened," He says quietly and slowly.

For any other boyfriend, his girlfriend not showing up to school shouldn't cause them this much stress, but considering all the supernatural shit Stiles has somehow managed to get involved in, he couldn't help but worry himself to death.

"I'm okay Stiles, really I am," You say, reassuring him, "Just on my period that's all," You explain, trying to manage a smile but your stomach felt like it was being turned inside out, so it probably came out as more slightly disturbing than comforting.

"Ok good, I thought it could've had something to do with that. Which is why-" Stiles says, relieved, as he gets up and grabs his bag before sitting down next to you on the bed. "I have come prepared," He continues with a goofy smirk plastered on that stupidly cute face of his.

You sit up lazily as Stiles begins to show you what he bought. He whips out a plastic bag from inside of his backpack with items ranging from Tylonal, Advil, and Mydol, (which you immediately snatched and swallowed), all the way to chocolates and a heated stuffed animal.

"I got confused when I saw all the... feminine products, so- um-" He explains while taking out yet another plastic shopping bag from his backpack to reveal at least ten different boxes of tampons and pads.

You pause and stare at the ginormous haul of items that Stiles has bought you and you can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

You appreciated Stiles and his caring towards you more than anything, especially in moments like these. He always knew the right things to do and the right things to say, and you loved him for it.

Stiles, however, didn't take your silence in the right way. "I'm sorry- it's stupid I know, I bought way too much. I bet I still have the receipt somewhere, maybe I can still return it-" He asked, sadness and disappointment slowly creeping into his voice.

"No!" You reply quickly. "Don't return it, and none of this is stupid," You confirm before sighing for a moment. "Stiles, this is literally like the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me," You explain, turning to look at him while you say it, a smile slowly forming on your face as you do so.

"Really?" Stiles questions, his embarrassed expression being replaced by one of relief and pride.

"Really," You say while scooting over in your bed and patting the space next to you, beckoning him to join you.

Stiles lays down next to you, and you gladly roll over and climb on top of him, resting your head by the crook of his neck as you wrap your arms around him. The heat radiated off of his body as you listened to his heartbeat and the slow movements of his chest going up and down.

Stiles brought the covers over you and kissed your head before speaking once more, "You don't want to use the stuffed animal I gave you?" He asks with a chuckle as he wraps his arms around you, his thumb rubbing soft circles into your back.

"Nope, I think you'll do just fine," You say as you lift your head to look up at him.

Stiles takes this moment to lean down and kiss you gently. He kissed and held you as if you were the most fragile thing in the world. As if with one wrong move you'd shatter into a million pieces, so he treated you with such care, holding you softly and closely to make sure you didn't.

Though the kiss only lasted a few moments, it made you forget all about the pain you felt in your abdomen and replaced it with butterflies. He definitely had a way of making you feel safe and comfortable whenever you were around him.

Once he pulled away, he looked at you with hearts in his eyes, "You're so beautiful, you know that right baby?" He said, his voice so faint that it practically made your heart beat out of your chest. He removed one of his hands from your back and placed it on your cheek and you immediately melted into his touch.

You could only let out a satisfied hum in response, you were too lost in his features to bother replying coherently.

Stiles let out a low chuckle as he kissed your forehead, his hand moving from your cheek to the back of your head, stroking your hair as he did so.

"Get some sleep okay?" He said while wrapping his arm just a bit tighter around you, "I'll be right here if you need anything," He said softly.

"I know," You say, your words muffled slightly as you rest your head in the crook of his neck, "You're not goin' anywhere," You say with a smile as you place a quick kiss on his neck.

"Didn't plan on it," Stiles mumbles, about to fall asleep even before you do. But as your meds kick in, you can't help but slowly drift off to sleep as well.

Okay, I'm having WAYYYYYY too much fun writing these I'm sorry 😭

I finished majority of my finals so I'm going to be much more active again so keep sending in requests! I'm continuing to work on them

Also, I cannot thank you guys enough for all of the compliments and praise I've received on my last post with Stiles, it was literally so sweet of you guys. My inbox was literally filled with people praising my writing and y'all have no idea how happy that made me, like literally my heart almost burst.

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

Raphael's First Love—A Talk With Splinter

part of the First Love Talk miniseries!

sfw 💫 word count: 1.2k

The old metronome in the corner of the dojo ticked on incessantly as Raphael sat in indignant silence with Master Splinter. After four outbursts, a fight with Leonardo, and days of distance, Splinter had put his foot down and called his son in for a talk about his behavior. Beneath his stern exterior, Splinter was concerned.

"Raphael, explain yourself," Splinter demanded with a calm voice, treading a thin line with his angriest son's temper. Not out of fear—Splinter could and would easily put the giant back in his place even as an old rat. That was no issue. "What has gotten into you?"

Weeks of this crap, that's what, thought Raph bitterly. Weeks of feeling sick to his stomach every time she was around, trying to put up a good front and getting embarrassed by himself or his brothers; he felt stupid. Weak. Utterly at her mercy, and she didn't even know. Good. I don't want her to. Splinter gave him a skeptical eye. He shifted his position multiple times, uncomfortable and trying to look casual. Grunted dismissively. But he knew his father was not going to take that for an answer. He let out a scoff, dodging eye contact, "Things gettin' under my shell like usual."

"But not like usual, because you are worse-off than usual," observed Splinter.

His mental health was actively declining the more he deliberated on the pang in his heart he felt when he thought about her. It made his guts twist to think about why he was so angry, why he was even afraid of her, deep down. The last thing he ever wanted to admit to himself, let alone Splinter, was that he cared what she thought. A lot.

Too much.

All of his brothers seemed so confident, and yet he was self-conscious. Why? Why do I gotta be like this?!

Raph shrugged. "You know me, master. Comes with the whole package, whether all of you like it or not." He was already moody, prone to rapidly-changing emotions. That was never a guess, it was a given. "Look, I'll do us a favor and just end this convo now—I ain't in a bad way. And Leo needs to stay in his lane comin' to you over a little fight." He started to get up, leave the terrible silence of the training room and that god awful ticking metronome. Splinter jabbed his cane into his plastron, knocking him back, and then brought it down hard on his foot. Raph yelped and stumbled down, quickly reassuring his seated position.

"Enough!" Splinter barked. "Sit, Raphael."

Splinter had his full attention, now. The top of his foot ached dully.

Raph was seething on the inside. On the outside, he slumped over his knee, hiding his face behind his thick forearm.

This was all her fault. If she hadn't fallen—literally crashed—into their lives, he would be fine. There would be no question about what to do or what he was feeling. It was always them and the shadows—no people, no complications. He always knew that would never be accepted despite craving it with every ounce of his being. Why change that? Why suddenly bring more emotions into the mix? Before her, it was all straightforward. Now, he worried if he was too brutish, too much of a freak, if his normal habits weren't so "normal". He didn't want to feel like he was under one of Donnie's microscopes, with her eye looking through the lens.

Splinter furrowed his gray brow at him, resting his hands on his cane. "This is about your self esteem, is it not?" he questioned carefully. Prying.

"You couldn't know anything about it!" Raph shouted back. He swung his hand as he spoke. "I'm a six-foot turtle, there's no changing it! No changing me!"

Sighing a light breath, Splinter closed his eyes. This was going to be the challenge for the day. No day was without its challenges. He recentered his thoughts, looking for a different angle. He wanted to speak his son's language.

"Correct, there is no changing you."

Raph stuttered on his response as his face fell almost imperceptibly, but Splinter knew every minute expression of his kids.

If she knows, I'm done for. Raphael's mind was swirling and his thoughts were reaching dead-ends left and right. There was no changing. No hope? He couldn't tell. He'd given up before he'd even tried. Because like his weapon, he was defensive, and did everything possible to protect what? Himself. His big, soft heart in there that needed some serious attention. The thought of telling her made him want to hurl. But like a moth to a flame, he kept coming right back to her, torturing himself with "what-if's" and doubts he had all the while.

"What do you want me to say, Splinter?" Raph spat with a low voice.

"I want you to be honest with yourself," Splinter replied.

Raph poked the tip of his sai into the mat before him, digging it into the material. "Okay, I'll bite," he said, "what do you think I'm lyin' about? Huh?"

He already knew the answer to that. It was everything; he rejected the shyness he felt inexplicably when she was around. He felt dirty next to her, or if he accidentally touched her, it was an ordeal. Because he was a mutant and she was a human. Out of all of her pick of people, he never could have been at the top of her list. He doubted he even made the list as an option.

Knowing Raphael was lying then, too, Splinter simply lifted his chin at him, and waited for the real answer.

The silence was getting to be too much for him. He jammed his sai into the mat, stabbing through it. But in his face was sadness, not anger. He finally admitted, "I just want to be accepted. Even just by her." Fiddling with his sai, he averted his eyes to stare at something random next to him, adding quietly, a little bashfully: "Aaaaaand sometimes I think Leo has a…better shot than me. That's why we were fightin'. I went nuts because he was gettin' along with her and it made me feel some stuff I don't want to feel."

There it was, thought Splinter, bingo. "Well, you are certainly not the first young man to make a fool of yourself over a girl."

"Master, I don't even know what to do with myself. How am I ever gonna know what to do with her?"

"The first step would be to stop ruining my mat," Splinter said as he bonked his son's head with the end of his cane, irked that he was creating a hole in it with his sai. Raph quickly tucked his weapon away. He muttered an apology. Splinter cleared his throat before continuing. "The second step would be for you to face your fears, Raphael. Accept them, conquer them. You are as you are—what humanity thinks of you is not your concern. You know who you are. I would like to think that [y/n] does as well."

Raph shifted, uncomfortable. "Yeah, I don't think she does. I don't really…"

She was all too kind, beautiful, and smart; a deadly, terrifying combination, in his predicament. He'd been plagued with dreams of being with her night after night. Not worrying about a single thing until the moment he woke up—he was stressing every morning. His anxieties always seemed to curse him cropping up in his dreams; not even in sleep could he escape her sphere of influence.

Placing a gentle hand on Raphael's shoulder, Splinter looked down at him, "Then, you show her who you really are. Raphael."

[mabelstone]

Why would you be loved?

hozier x f!reader

part two of lullabies <3 | part one | masterlist

cw: teeeeeny bit of violence at very beginning ... also 18+ ok if u are unfamiliar with me... this is my thing. this character is FICTIONAL before u attack me for sexualising THE hozier

word count: 3.2k

*i've decided i'd like this to be a slow burn... but don't worry! i will add things to keep u interested (or attempt to)

The sticky slap of their skin echoed through the room, my heart thudding loud enough in my ears to deafen the noise.

I lurched forward, grabbing the leggy blonde from the bar by her hair, yanking her off of Joe and slamming her naked body into the wall. She gasped loudly, falling onto the ground where she watched on in horror. I grabbed the nearest object I could reach - his bedside lamp - smashing the ceramic over his head, screaming in his face about how he's fucked this up for good.

Except that's not what happened.

I opened the door to the same scenario, except I didn't lose my temper and tear the two of them to shreds. My heart still pounded harder than ever, but I simply backed out into the hall without a sound. My eyes must've been something of a Tim Burton character as I walked back outside, leaving the front door wide open. I didn't even grab anything as my handbag was still over my shoulder. I dug around for my phone, finding nothing but an old gum packet, some lipgloss, and some loose change.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath, running my hands through my hair. I had my phone in the bar. Did I leave it in Andrew's car? Fuck, did I leave it at the bar? I began to panic, frantically walking down the street. As if I could walk all the way back! It was at least 15 kilometres from my place. I didn't care though, continuing to pace in the cold in clothing more suited to warmer weather. I kept replaying what I saw over and over in my head. I'd usually call my mum, but...

The way his hands were digging into her skin, the way she kept repeating how good he was making her feel. I felt sick to my stomach, and the alcohol wasn't helping. I'm not sure they even saw me, but once he finished (judging by the sounds he was making, wouldn't be too long) he'd see the doors open and connect the dots.

I turned my head as I heard someone whistle from across the street, inexplicably grateful to see Andy's car. "What're you doin'?"

"Do you have my phone?" My voice sounded foreign to me, robotic and desperate at the same time. I crossed the street, heading straight for the passenger side.

"Your lifeline is right here, hence why I am," he laughed, holding my phone out to me. I just stood at the door expressionless, and he probably thought my drinks had been spiked or I'd gone mad. "You... alright?"

"Joe is cheating on me," robotically sounding again. Though saying the words out loud made it suddenly real. Joe is cheating on me.

"What?" His eyebrows shot up, dipping his head to see my face better. "What? When?"

"Like, literally right now," I laughed. I began to laugh hysterically, having to rest my hands on the top of his car to steady myself. I laughed so hard, tears began to stream down my face and my stomach hurt.

The next thing I knew, that familiar warm hand was on my back, followed by a soft, "c'mere". I turned to face Andrew, immediately bursting into tears. Real tears this time. He pulled me in close to his chest, one arm easily wrapped around my shoulders, the other cradling the back of my head. I sobbed into his shirt, likely accidentally digging my nails into his back as I clung to him. If I did, he didn't comment on it. He held me tight, rubbing soft circles into my spine with his palm. I don't know how long we stood there for, but when I pulled away, his shirt was soaked and covered in mascara.

"I'm so sorry," I gave a half hearted laugh, gesturing to the stained cotton. "I will wash it for you, I'm good at getting stains out."

"Don't be ridiculous," he smiled that poor you smile he always did, but this time it felt like a comfort as he shook his head. "You can come back to mine and shower. Then we can figure this out."

"No, no, I don't want to put you out." I protested, wiping under my eyes, undoubtedly smudging the black into my hairline. I sniffled, wiping my snotty nose onto the sleeve of my cardigan. If Joe was right about Andy being infatuated with me, I definitely just destroyed that in one simple, snotty gesture.

"I insist," he smiled, leaning against the side of the car. I was exhausted, and a nice shower in a house that didn't reek of infidelity sounded too good to reject. I nodded and climbed into the passenger seat for the second time tonight, switching on my phone to see no new messages. Maybe he didn't see me after all.

I slipped into an oversized hoodie of Andrew’s after my shower, steam on the mirror and condensation on every surface from the amount of time I was in there. I felt guilty using his water, but time slipped away from me by the time I realised. He had real shampoo and conditioner, not that pathetic 3 in 1 bullshit Joe used. I stole a hair tie and hid my messy curls in a bun. I honestly looked like a mess, but it was definitely an improvement from before. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Most of the alcohol had fleeted my system, so now I was just exhausted and forced to bask in the reality of the situation.

I walked into his living room where he was sat, one arm slung over the back of the couch while the other flicked through Netflix. It was strange to see him in his space, so comfortable and… domestic. No, we’re not doing this. Yet.

I looked down and saw a black border collie mix strewn across his lap. “Oh my goodness!” I swooned as I headed straight for the dog. Andy mustn’t have heard me, jumping slightly and cursing under his breath. “How rude of me. Who’s this little angel?”

“The breaking of my heart,” he began, hand over his chest as he stared lovingly down at his dog. “Elwood.”

“Elwood? Really?” I quirked an eyebrow, looking up to Elwood’s owner.

“It’s a beautiful name for a beautiful boy, I don’t understand the issue?”

I rolled my eyes, going back to snuggling the dog, kissing his face all over. “He is beautiful. Yes you are!” Elwood wagged his tail excitedly, slobbering happily all over my hands.

Andrew chuckled down at us, averting his eyes back to the TV, a soft smile lingering on his lips.

“Thanks for letting me use your shower, Andy,” I smiled, sitting beside him on the lounge, feeling like the human embodiment of the calm after a storm.

“Oh, that’s no problem at all," he grinned earnestly, playing the pilot of Breaking Bad softly in the background. He lulled his head to the side, eyes glistening in the soft golden lighting of the lamp in the corner of the room. "Want a tea?"

"Please," I nodded, Elwood now snuggled into my lap. The moment he left the room, I was left with the crushing reality of what'd just happened. The horrible sound that plagued my phonic memory, as if it were played through headphones at a deafening volume. I tried to focus on the TV, Breaking Bad had always been my favourite. It was no use, the gut wrenching ache within me only multiplied by the minute, tears welling in my eyes, daring to fall.

"I wasn't sure how you take it so I bought everything with me," he placed two tea cups onto his coffee table, along with a carton of milk and a canister of sugar.

"So adorable, you remind me of my gran," I teased, desperately trying to blink away any trace of sadness before he had a chance to see. I didn't need to burden him with any more tears.

"You know, I've been called far worse," he shrugged, taking his tea black, sitting beside me on the couch. "So I'll take it."

I hummed in response, mixing in my milk and sugar.

"So... maybe a redundant question, but, how're you feeling?"

"Well," I chuckled bitterly, sipping from my tea. "Probably feeling as you'd expect. Actually, that's a lie. I don't know how I feel honestly."

His eyes studied my features, and I deliberately avoided his gaze. His dog snored away in my lap, the TV just loud enough that any amount of silence couldn't be awkward.

"Has... anything like this happened to you?" I asked, despite the voice in my head telling me not to.

"Ehm, yeah. Not too long ago, actually," he sighed, running a hand through his hair, his chocolate curls flicking up at the ends, framing his face beautifully in the light. "We were together for three years. She was sleeping around with a friend of mine. She broke it off with me when she decided she'd rather be with him."

"Her loss," I mirrored that same pitiful look he always gave me, the slight drop in his expression making me feel guilty for even asking. "You make a mean cup of tea."

"If only she could appreciate the art of English Breakfast," he sighed, a sad smile lingering on his lips despite the sarcasm in his tone.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Andy," I sighed, tempted to reach out for him but deciding against it in fear of breaching some unspoken boundary. "I'll get out of your hair soon."

"You can stay- only if you'd like," he offered awkwardly, eyes flickering to mine as he fiddled with the handle of his cup. "There's a spare bedroom."

"No, no. You've been so kind tonight, I don't want to push it," I shook my head, misjudging the height of the coffee table, my cup hitting it with a sharp clank. Elwood startled, throwing his head back to look at me. "Sorry, buddy."

"You're not pushing anything," he laughed, shaking his head now. "It's late. The decision's all yours. But I must say, that bed might be nicer than my own."

"Quite persuasive, aren't you?" I grinned, throwing my head back against the couch, weighing up my options. Well, I can't go home. "Okay. I'll stay... if you're sure that's okay?"

"Well, because you're twisting my arm..." He joked, that bright, happy smile making its glorious return. "I'll get you a spare toothbrush and a bottle of water. You've had a big night."

"Yeah," I breathed, rubbing at my burning, no doubt bloodshot, eyes. "I am exhausted."

"Come, I'll show you to your room," he got up from the couch, extending his hand to me. I took it in mine, warm and calloused; so large, his fingers reached my wrist as he helped me from the couch. I followed behind him, the soft padding of our feet up the stairs slowly becoming the only sound audible. Elwood trailing close behind, of course.

He showed me to the guest room, nothing special, but somehow a massive comfort. A navy blue, fluffy duvet with a bedside table, a simple lamp and a copy of Inferno by Dante Alighieri atop it.

"Oh, I'll grab that toothbrush," he waved his hand as if he were finally able to dismiss the thought. I chuckled at the way he hurried out of the room, the exhaustion rippling through my body as I sat on the edge of the bed. He was right. This might be the comfiest bed I've ever had the pleasure of sitting on. I zoned out, staring at the carpet as I finally sobered up. These past few weeks had been fucked, and I knew they'd only get worse. My phone started buzzing rapidly as Andy came back into the room, a bottle of water, a toothbrush still in the packaging, and a sheet of panadol in his hands. He silently placed them onto the bedside table, both of us just watching my phone ring. It was Joe.

Against my better judgement, I picked up on the last ring, raising the phone to my ear.

"Where are you?" His voice was hoarse, unsuspecting. Idiot.

"Doesn't matter," I sighed, nauseated at the sound of his voice.

"Well, it does. I've been worried sick about you, you're meant to be home now. How would I know you hadn't been kidnapped or gone home with some creep?"

"That is ironic," I laughed, though there was no humour in my tone.

"The fuck are you on about? Get home right now." He was getting angrier by the second. Andrew could hear every word, his brows knitted together in disgust as he listened on.

"I did come home. You were a bit busy," I swallowed harshly, my voice failing me, beginning to shake.

There was silence on his end for a good thirty seconds, all air in Andrew's small guest bedroom thinning at once. "...Babe. We will get through this."

"I don't think so."

"Don't say shit like that. I love you, Y/N. We'll get through this stronger than ever. Just come home, baby. I'll make it up to you," he was speaking fast, panicked almost.

"I need some space," I replied weakly, eyes filling with tears again.

"No. I love you. Come home. Please, babe, pl-"

I hung up on him before he got the chance to manipulate me straight back into his arms, Andy watching me with a frown. Suddenly, it was all too real, and I was breaking down in front of him for the second time tonight.

He didn't say anything. I felt the bed dip beside me, his warm arm wrapping around my shoulder, pulling me in close. We stayed like that for a while - my head leaned against his shoulder as I cried, his head atop mine - until I felt like there was no water left in my body. I heaved a massive sigh, sitting up straight again.

"Oh, Andy, I'm so s-"

"You've nothing to be sorry for," he hushed me, sincerity written all over his face, kind emerald eyes revealing that he wasn't doing anything for secondary gain; he was just a beautiful soul. "Get some rest."

"Okay," I agreed, pulling back the covers with his help. I wanted him to stay, I didn't want to be alone. I wished he could've just laid with me, no meaning attached, but just to have the warmth of another to occupy the cold, empty bed. Instead I thanked him again, pulling the covers up to my chin.

"You know where my room is. I'll be there if you need anything," he smiled earnestly, flicking off the light before walking out.

Goodnight, Andy, I almost said, but sleep washed over me quicker than I could form the words.

I woke early, bathed in velvety caramel coloured sunlight, slowly beginning to register where I was. I made my way down to corridor to Andy's room, his bedroom door barely ajar. I put my ear to the door, not wanting to wake him if he were still sleeping. I heard soft pants escaping his lips, letting my curiosity get the best of me.

I gently pushed the door open, revealing the glow of his milky skin in the same light. His beautiful halo of curls sticking to his slightly sweaty forehead, his face contorted in pleasure and concentration as he worked himself beneath the covers. I couldn't suppress the noise of surprise that escaped my lips as he whimpered my name.

"Fuck-" He gasped, pulling his hand from under the cover. "I'm sorry, I-"

"Keep going," I encouraged, slowly making my way to him. Confusion plastered all over his face, he obliged, slipping his hand back under the cover. I sat before him, our eyes locked on one another as he picked up the pace. "Gooood, that's it."

His brows furrowed as he continued to worked himself, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat with each swallow. I slipped into bed beside him, my hand replacing his. His breathing pattern grew irregular, every vowel of my name dripping off his tongue, igniting a fire deep in my core. I began placing wet kisses along jawline, making my way down to his neck, then his chest, then-

And then I actually woke up, heart beating at a million miles an hour. What. The. Fuck. Shame immediately coursed through my veins, burying my face into my pillow as I replayed the dream over and over until it was committed to memory. Am I an awful person?

I could vaguely hear Andrew singing along to Let's Fall In Love by Ella Fitzgerald in the kitchen, cautiously making my way down the stairs. I was disgusted in myself for even thinking of him in that way, let alone loving every shame filled second of it.

"Mornin'," I made myself known, sliding onto one of the stools at his breakfast bar.

"Good morning," he chirped, sliding a cup of coffee toward me. He had his glasses on this morning, his hair pulled back into a bun. "How're you feelin'?"

"Good," I lied through my teeth, concealing it with an enthusiastic nod. "Better, yeah." I just gave you a handjob in my dream and now I want you to pin me to the couch and make love to me all day. Oh, and I'm supposed to be grieving a near 6 year relationship, but now I'm just really fucking confused. "How are you?"

"Hungry. And I hope you are too," he grinned, revealing a big stack of pancakes he'd just cooked for us, as well as a bowl of chopped strawberries.

"I am, that looks lovely," another lie. I had no appetite. But I also couldn't say no to a man so sickly sweet. He sat beside me, soft jazz serenading us from his record player.

"What've you got on today?" He queried, plopping a pancake onto each of our plates.

"Might visit my ma, update her on... everything, I guess. Then I've gotta get my car. Maybe some clothes. Fuck, I don't even know what to do," I laughed awkwardly, taking a sip of my coffee. "You performing tonight?"

"Hoping to," he nodded, taking a bite of a strawberry. "You know you're more than welcome to spend the night here again."

"I couldn't possibly burden you for another night," I deflected, mirroring his actions and popping a strawberry into my mouth.

"You actually don't have to fight me each time, you cay just say no," he chuckled, shaking his head at me.

"I love spending time with you," I confessed, resting my hand on his arm, then retracting it just as fast. "I just don't want you to think I'm using you."

"Nonsense," he waved me off, scoffing. "It's nice to have some company. Plus, Elwood has taken a strong liking to you."

"The feeling is mutual," I laughed, breaking off a piece of my pancake for the dog happily wagging his tail by my feet. "I'm sure you have lady friends come and visit."

"Only ones who ruin their tea with milk and barely touch their pancakes," he remarked with a wide grin. I felt my cheeks turn hot at his stupid comment, finally digging in to my breakfast.

Maybe things weren't going to be so bad after all.

i don't love this... but this desperately needed an update. feel free to send requests of some stuff you'd like in the next chapter xx

[sweetestcaptainhughes]

May I request ☁️ “You haven’t even touched your food. What’s going on?” With Jack Hughes?

I love the Drabble idea by the way!

I'm truly sorry it took me so long to answer this, I'm still trying to get my inbox caught up.

Drabble Challenge. Drabble Masterlist.

"You haven't even touched your food. What's going on?"

Today had been one of those days that you just felt like shit after. Nothing that was particularly bad happened, it's just that for whatever reason today your body checked out and you felt this overwhelming need to go to sleep. Maybe you were getting sick? Or maybe you working long hours and then staying up even later to watch all of Jack's away games was finally catching up to you. Either way by the time you were on the coach with a plate of food that Jack made all you could do was zone out starring at the t.v.

Not knowing how much time had passed but you heard Jack next to you call your name, it took a few tries but finally your brain registered the sound and you turned your head to him giving a sound of acknowledgement.

"baby are you okay?" he asks his own plate abounded on the coffee table in front of you both.

"yeah why?" you softly answer the exhaustion from the day clear in your voice. Jack softly removes the plate from your lap and puts it next to his.

"Well, to start I don't think you've said more than a three-word response to me since you got home. Second, you haven't even touched your food, and I made your favorite tonight. So I'll ask again, whats going on Y/N?" he softly asks he grabs your hand and squeezes it three times a silent I love you.

"I'll sound crazy." you whisper.

"You can never be more crazy than Cole and his obsession with Taylor Swift." he smiles to you.

"I don't know what's wrong." you can hear your voice crack, feel tears threatening to spill out of your eyes. "I just feel off, and I'm not hungry. Maybe I'm just tired from working too much or maybe it's me just overthinking. But I just feel off today." you admit looking down at where your hands are joined suddenly too embarrassed to look up.

"Okay, have you eaten at all today hun?" he asks gently, his voice filled with concern and nonjudgemental. Shaking your head yes he asks a differnet question, "A real meal baby, not a random gronola bar while your at work?" His voice a little more stern, letting you know how serious he is.

"yeah." you mumble.

"okay well do you wanna go to bed?" he asks gently.

"It's too early for you to sleep." you mumble. "and I don't wanna be by myself."

"bullshit. I am literally known in the league for taking naps. Come on baby let's go." he says as he gently helps you up and into the bedroom. He leaves just to put your untouched dinner away so it doesn't spoil. By the time Jack comes back, your under the covers half asleep he slides in next to you and before he knows it he's asleep.

[voxslays]

Making Caramel Apples Alastor x Reader

(Welcome to Haztober day one! I will be posting a new Hazbin Hotel/Helluva boss inspired fic every day of October! I hope you enjoy! Also I know I’m technically posting this on the 30th….but it’s 7:45 for me…so…It’s literally October first. Also why isn’t tumblr schedule posting working??? So confused.)

Alastor wasn’t one to usually participate in group activities usually liking to be on his own but, maybe he’d participate this one time. He closes the book he was reading and places it down nicely. He stands from his spot, straightens his bowtie and suit and then starts to walk over to where the group activity was. Alastor walks up behind the others and watches them decorating the hotel. Of course Alastor wouldn’t participate at all if there was a possibility of getting dirty (with all the glitter glue from Charlie). So he just watched for now.

“Hi Alastor!” He heard an excited voice from behind him. Alastor turned his head to see who was speaking and saw it was you. He smiled wider and put his hands in his pockets. “Ah. It’s a pleasure to see you, My dear. What are we doing around here if you don’t mind me asking?” He tilted his head and leaned a bit more forwards towards you, curious to hear your response.

“Oh! I’m making caramel apples!” You exclaim happily. “Ahh. That’s wonderful. How are they turning out so far? Have they tasted very good or have the apples been rotten within?” Alastor chuckled to himself, amused by his own joke. He had a dark sense of humor but sometimes his words could be taken seriously. “W-what? Uhm…I don't think so…” You say worriedly, holding up one of the un-caramelized apples and checking it. He laughed and waved a hand. “I’m only joking, dear. I’m sure they’re fine.” Alastor looked down at the apples, still a little suspicious. “You haven’t been eating them have you?” He asks. “Maybe like one or two…but now I’m seriously concerned.” You say, your voice wavering with uneasiness. 

“And you didn’t get sick..?” Alastor tilted his head curiously. He still couldn’t really believe that someone had eaten a couple of the apples that he was now slightly convinced could be rotten. “I ate them like a minute ago….how long does it take for poison to kick in!?” You say, your heart racing with anxiety and paranoia. “Well, that depends on the poison I believe- Wait, did you actually EAT them!?” Alastor asks, now worried as well.

You suddenly feel dizzy, and pass out due to stress. Alastor quickly caught you. He didn’t want you falling to the ground head first and possibly waking up with a huge headache. He held you up by your shoulder and lowered his ear to your mouth, listening for a second to see if you were breathing. Once Alastor heard and felt your breathing he slowly placed you on the ground, but he made sure your head rested against his knee so you would be comfortable.

Alastor was kneeled down beside you, he had his arm holding your hand. His ears twitched and he looked down at you as you awoke again. “Are you alright, my dear?” ​​He hummed softly in thought and gave you a light squeeze of your hand before letting it go. “You just passed out a second ago. I had caught you before you fell and I didn’t want you to get a headache. How are you feeling exactly? Your head isn’t hurting too badly is it?”

“I'm fine.” You reassure him. ​​He nodded his head and looked you up and down for a moment to make sure you didn’t have any wounds that were unnoticed due to your fainting. “You don’t feel sick at all? No nausea or anything?” You shake your head. He relaxed a little more once you said that, no nausea was pretty good. That indicated you weren’t poisoned. “Well, that’s good. Would you like to sit up or something, or perhaps a glass of water-?”

“Can we make the apples together?” You interrupted. Alastor seemed taken aback by your request. He definitely didn’t expect that response from you. Alastor tilted his head questionably and then smiled. “You want to make the apples together.. with me? You actually trust me to do it with you?” He asks. “Yeah, why not?” He chuckled softly and nodded his head in agreement, he was actually really surprised at your enthusiasm and eagerness to work with him. Most of the time he didn’t get many requests to work together with him unless it involved a deal. “Alright, I suppose I’ll help make the apples with you. But no funny business, dear.” You agree and start dipping the apples in the caramel together.

​​Alastor made sure to be cautious with anything to do with food. Especially after just seeing you pass out. He was sure you just fainted from stress and anxiety, but still. He carefully dipped each apple into the caramel, making sure to coat the apple in the thick sticky caramel. ​​Alastor finished coating each apple he dipped into the caramel sauce and had placed each one on its respective plate. This was already a lot more effort that he ever put into one of Charlie’s group activities. He then wiped his gloved hands together to get rid of any caramel that got stuck to his hands. He seemed happy with the outcome of the caramel apples he and you had made together.

“I believe the task is finished…” Alastor says as he finishes cleaning up. “Well, that wasn’t too bad.” He said with a small chuckle. “It was really fun! Thank you for the help!” You say happily. The idea of doing a group activity and actually having fun was a new, almost bizarre concept to Alastor. Especially when it was just making caramel apples. He smiled wider and chuckled. “Yes, it certainly was… entertaining.” 

He looked down at the finished caramel apples and seemed quite pleased that they turned out so well. He was actually quite proud of the work you and he had done, and this was a new feeling to him when it came to group activities. ​​He then looked at you and tilted his head softly with a smile. “Perhaps we’ll do more activities together in the future, my dear.” Alastor says. “That would be fun.” You say as you pick up the tray with the apples and put them in the fridge. “I’ll see you later!” Alastor nodded as he watched you take the tray to the fridge. A part of him felt kind of warm inside which was strange. Was it from the group activity? He wasn’t sure, but it was… different and warm. He smiled a little wider watching you walk off. “I’ll see you later, my dear.” He says with content.

[cosmicpearlz]

yours for the time being |5|

summary: what happens when your academic rival of years proposes an offer of fake dating? pure chaos.

pairing: gryffindor!jude bellingham x slytherin!reader

a/n: it’s taken a while for me to write this but thank you for being on this series journey with me! enjoy my loves <3

a typical saturday night. aka the day where the famous slytherin parties take place. most nights it was for winning matches and others, it was just for the hell of it. the common room decorated in various halloween decor. the group deciding last minute to have a costume party. taking the idea from the muggles and what they do to celebrate the holiday.

"you look smoking hot," pansy whistles at you, as you made your way downstairs. your costume being a vampire. a mini black dress and a black velvet cape with dark red platforms to match the fake blood that dripped from the side of your lips.

"so do you love!" you clapped for her sexy cat costume.

"i think we all look good," draco chips into the conversation.

"you're literally dressed as a wizard. talk about no originality." draco rolls his eyes at theo's statement.

"simplicity is way better than over doing it."

"you didn't put any effort into it," blaise says and stares at the slytherin boy as if he had grown two heads.

"haters are my motivators," draco said, as he walked away to finish putting more snacks and drinks out. it was amazing how much alcohol you guys managed to sneak in.

theo dressed as cupid. supporting the red wings and having the heart bow and arrow. blaise was dressed as beetlejuice. even having his hair spray green and having the exact face paint. you loved that your friends went all out. well minus draco.

"let's pregame this shit and see where the night takes us," pansy yells, not that she had to, but she wanted to get her point across. you guys cheered and each grab a shot to throw back. you missed the way theo, blaise, and pansy smirked at each other. it was going to be a long night.

-

jude felt stupid. why had he let his friends convince him to go to a slytherin party. the gryffindor boy hadn't spoken to her in weeks and now they both were going to be in the same vicinity. 'maybe we still would have been together if i didn't hurt her feelings'. is all he could think about. maybe he would've been by her side right now and maybe just maybe they would've had cute matching costumes. the boy was dressed as a vampire. the top hat and the stupid cape. he decided to put fake blood on the white button up shirt instead of having it on his face.

"you ready mates?" harry shouts for jude and ron. the other gryffindor boy dressed as captain america. ron dressed as spider-man.

"i'm ready to drink to my heart's desire."

"jude, you made that sound incredibly depressing," hermione says, coming down from her side of the common room. she dressed as a fairy. a matching costume that she wanted to do with luna.

"well lets get to it. don't wanna be late," jude mumbles, already walking towards the common room door. he was nervous to see her. what costume would she be wearing? is she as miserable as he is? did she even miss him? will she be wearing that sweet vanilla perfume that drives him crazy? his mind runs a million thoughts.

-

the party is in full swing. everyone holding a cup or two and dancing to the music. your friends had been sneaking glances at each other all night. not that you were really paying attention. too focused on the guy in front of you. a handsome ravenclaw that was about jude's height. maybe a little shorter than him. you know what they say, to get over someone, you must get under someone new. although, you were comparing the boy in front of you to the boy that secretly held your heart.

"so, i found it crazy that we were able to spot a group of doxies. in the middle of spring, right before-" every word fell upon deaf ears, as you watched harry, ron, hermione and jude walk in. suddenly, you felt sick. matching costumes with the one person who you avoided. ever since that day, nothing was normal.

"excuse me," you didn't wait for him to respond, walking away immediately to get a drink. taking a red cup, you poured yourself a drink and downed it. going for a second before pansy stops you.

"you alright love?"

"jude is here."

"why don't you wait in our dorm room? just take a breather really quick," you nodded and maneuver your way around dancing bodies. pansy's eyes follow your movement until she couldn't see you anymore. only then did she wink at harry and the plan was in motion.

"mate, can you help me find something?"

"like what?" jude raised an eyebrow at harry. a drink in his hand, while he heavily eyed his friend.

"i think i lost my ring."

"we just got here and you weren't wearing a ring."

"do have to spell it out for you?"

"what are you talking about?" harry dramatically sighs.

"i had a one-night stand with this slytherin girl and i left my ring in the room. i need to get it now while we're here," harry lied. a damn good lie if you asked him.

"you're impossible mate, lead the way," jude nods his head at harry to take the lead. harry leads the two of them upstairs. catching the eye of hermione and pansy, he slightly nods. step two was officially underway.

-

you sat on your bed, twirling the drink around in the cup. platforms and cape long discarded. what were you suppose to say to him? how much you truly were sorry? that you wished you could take it all back? how ironic that the minute you try to push him away and out of your mind again, he shows up. like he always did. even before the fake dating. he was a pest that wouldn't budge. a stupidly handsome pest.

"it should be in this one." you heard a muffled voice speak from outside the door. the door swings open and jude is pushed inside. you gasp quietly and sit up straighter.

"y/n?" jude stutters out in confusion.

"hi," you softly spoke. the two of you turn attention to the door that was slammed shut. a realization washes over you.

"jude open the door!" you hop off the bed and walk towards the closed door. he turns to pull at the knob, and it was no use.

"it won't open."

"and it won't open until you guys make up!" pansy yells over the loud music. "or make out! whichever comes first."

"no pressure though," ron says. 'no pressure my ass' you mumble to yourself.

hearing the footsteps grow in distance, you knew that they were long gone. you sigh and sit right back on the bed. jude stands there, unsure of what to do. only then does he realize the matching costumes. his heart swoons and breaks all at the same time.

"you're welcomed to sit," you pat the spot next to you. no use in prolonging the situation. it was now or never at this point. jude sits on the bed, making a point to sit at the end of the bed.

"matching costumes, aye?" he looks at you with a lopsided grin. it didn't reach his ears like it normally would've it, but you found it endearing anyway.

"yeah. maybe we're connected in some way," you said, while looking down at your lap. picking lint off your dress that wasn't anywhere to be found.

"like soulmates?" you lift your head meeting his gaze. oh, how you've missed those chocolate brown eyes.

"yeah maybe."

the silence takes over the room again. internally, you were panicking. what do you say? would it be worth it?

"soo."

"soo," he mimicked you. something that you both were used to. you let out a breathy chuckle.

"how are you and lavender?" turning your eyes back to the bottom of your dress. missing the way jude looks at you as if you were crazy. he felt somewhat offended.

"me and lavender? what are you on about?"

"i seen you guys," you shrugged your shoulders. the gryffindor boy scoffs.

"what are we doing here y/n? you put your friends up to this?"

"why would you think that?"

"you're trying to rub it in. well congratulations, you win," jude's voice seemly increasing by the minute. it left you dumbfounded.

"what could i possibly be rubbing in? i'm in the same boat you are!" your own voice getting louder as well.

"yeah right. i doubt you feel anything like the heartless slytherin you are." ouch.

"that's not true!"

"yes, is it. you don't care about anyone but yourself. you've proven that long before." jude was being mean that this point. his yelling and the hatful words that spewed from his mouth.

"that's not true jude! you're absolutely wrong."

"how can i be wrong? huh?"

"because i care about you, you fucking idiot," you yelled, which sends him into silence.

"you're the one that broke it off."

"yeah, because you've hurt my feelings and i don't want to continually go through that."

"i've apologized for it and i spilled my heart out to you. i told you that i would continue to apologize for it." tensions rising once more.

"right right, you're soo apologetic that you turn around and call me a heartless slytherin who only cares about herself," you crossed your arms and faced the wall. you refuse to cry in front of him. jude sighs and looks down at his lap.

"i was just upset. i didn't mean it," jude says in a quieter tone.

"so, every time you're upset with me, you'll throw how slytherins act like this in my face? how i'm a person that feels nothing?" you looked into his brown eyes with glossy eyes.

"y/n i care about you so much that it scares me. i don't know how you feel because you won't let me in. that's all i'm asking-"

"jude i like you too! is that what you want to hear? i hate that i hurt you but you have to understand that i was protecting myself. i've spent so long building walls to guard my heart and here you come. in a few months, you've managed to-"

jude doesn't let you finish, instead placing a hand on your cheek and bringing you in for a kiss. it was tentative until you start kissing him back. the boy's confidence boosts, and he slides his other hand to your waist. pulling you closer to him. you grab the collar of his cape and press into him more. lips crushing together. you missed the way his lips felt on yours.

he bites your lip, asking for permission. you allowed it, opening your mouth just enough for his tongue to squeeze through. without breaking the kiss, you straddle him. one leg sitting on either side of jude's thigh. naturally, his hands find your waist again. tongues exploring each other and fighting for dominance. the kiss comes to stop, hearing something break from the other side of the door. pulling away, you both looked at each other. it wasn't long before you guys share laughter.

"i've missed you," jude's laughter quieting down to confess to you. you wrap your arms around his waist, pulling him into a hug and placing your face in the crook of his neck.

"i've missed you too." jude's arms hug your body tightly, sending warmth to spread throughout you. his head leans into yours and places a kiss onto your head.

"so, what do we do now?" you lift your head to face him, questioning where you go from here. jude gazes into your eyes, a small smile etching its way to his lips.

"we try. think you can manage that?" rising an eyebrow in a teasing manner. you grinned back at him.

"yeah. i think i can manage that."

"to that i have one thing i want to ask you."

"which is?"

"will you officially be my girlfriend? before you answer, know that we need to have open communication and i need you to let me into that pretty little mind of yours," jude says, ending his sentence with playfully pinching your side. you laughed and pushed his hand away.

"let me think about that."

"y/n."

"i'm kidding. of course i'll be your official girlfriend." jude smiles again, pulling you in for another kiss. you knew then that you guys were gonna be just fine. as long as you had each other.

[sourbinnie]

Hiii i have a request . Can you do as 9th straykids member when you left the group? and their reaction or maybe their massages? Just please as a friend not SHIP 💀 TYSM ❤️🫶🏻

title -> sooner or later genre -> angst my beloved | voicemails pair -> ot8!skz + 9th member!reader a/n: i wrote it as voicemails since it's my favorite style. i hope you still like it ¡!¡!¡ since i don't really do messages. ALSO this is not romantic like you wanted i put a + instead of an x, that's how i differiante it.

"(y/n). where do i even start? i'm not mad, let's say that. i'm just mostly concerned, it was just announced to us that you left the group and we never talked about this? like, i've never  seen you look discontent with being a part of stray kids. is there things that i don't know? i would love to talk to you before it goes public and we have to say you're not a part of the team anymore. i just wanna know what happened, you're like a sibling to me and i don't wanna lose one of the most important parts of the band because we just didn't talk you know? anyways, please answer as fast as you can".

chan left the voice message with as much strength as he could as he looked around the room. he didn't even wanna know what was gonna happen now because he never planned for stray kids to be eight. there was an empty space in the dorms now, a new type of silence and an increase of anger & confusion in all of the members that was justified right? why would you just leave? that's what they said. you weren't kicked out, just decided your time on stray kids was enough and he needed to speak to you to know what you felt.

✉ ✉ ✉

"so you decided to just leave? without telling any of us? real funny of you. i'm not disappointed or sad, i'm just fuming (y/n) and to think we trusted you. do you not understand that you ar- were a part of this for life? we were supposed to stay together forever. how do i even explain to felix and jeongin you're probably not gonna come back? i've never seen them look so distraught. i know i didn't show it but i really wanted you to be there for me in my most important moments 'cause i thought of you as a friend for life. i don't know what went down but this doesn't excuse your reaction to leave us in the dust".

minho felt betrayed, like he was stabbed and someone twisted the dagger. he wanted to protest against the manager that announced it all and he did, he did not stay silent like the rest. the shock then suddenly appeared knowing that they were eight members now and the fact that he wouldn't see you around the dorms, in practice, at the concerts, or at the music shows. it made him sick to his stomach that someone he considered a brother/sister just disappeared with no reason.

✉ ✉ ✉

"hey, i know it's kinda late but the news were just blurted out to us. i have no idea how to react. i just wanna know what happened, clearly there was something we didn't know that we need to talk about right? 'cause you can't just leave. i'm not gonna go out without a fight either, you are like one of my best friends and that's not gonna change. it's just so weird, we were talking about so much shit yesterday and you said you could only see your future with us and now you're gone? just like that? all your things are getting packed and it's just hard to watch. i don't imagine stray kids without you and i don't even want to".

changbin was completely lost. utterly and weirdly lost as he processed everything, another time he would've fought against it and he would've invaded his manager with questions (even if they were gonna remain unanswered). in this state he found himself in, he spammed you messages after sending the voicemail but they all weren't even seen. he wanted to go to chan for help but he saw the leader lost that shine in his eyes when all of this was announced. 

✉ ✉ ✉

"(y/n), i-i literally don't think this is the right decision. i know it's already in the work and that you will decide what's best for you. i am no one to tell you what to do but have you thought this through? leaving us? i'm just worried to be honest. felt like crying when they told us but i was a strong boy for you and yet you wouldn't care if you didn't care about leaving either. god i'm sorry, i'm just going through all the emotions at once and i still don't know how to react. just please call me and we'll talk it out like we always do, the team won't be the same without you and i don't even wanna think about you leaving me".

hyunjin knew he was being selfish by sending a voicemail like that and he did not care. even if didn't feel like crying before, he sure as hell was crying now thinking of his brother/sister and what could have happened for them to just leave. how did the person who was the most excited for him to come back from hiatus just decided to leave? and now they wouldn't answer their texts, it's like they disappeared face off the earth. hyunjin just wanted to get out of the dorms and go look for you, and guess what? he did.

✉ ✉ ✉

"hey. gosh, is it too late already? to be sending you this voicemail and hoping you come back? i know it's not easy. i don't know exactly what you went through for you to be making this decision on your own but i wanna know, i wanna get to know you better. even after all these years, i feel like we didn't discover each other fully and i want more, i want your visits at the studio, us messing up choreography on purpose and writing lyrics together till the morning. tomorrow is gonna be awful for all of us but for you especially as this is gonna go on public and i wanna be there for you before it all crumbles apart".

jisung wanted to know what happened first of all. then he wanted to hug you and not let you go, afraid you would slip away from his embrace and he would have to be left alone. if there was a thing people didn't mess with was his friends and he considered you to be on top of his list with the rest of the members. sharing a dorm with him, must've been a nightmare but you two managed to be a mess together. now looking at box after box of your stuff, he just felt the biggest hole in his heart.

✉ ✉ ✉

"are you okay? do you need me to go where you are? i know it's late but i would do anything for you, you know this. even right now as everyone is losing their minds, i just care about you and that might show a bit of favoritism. i just don't know what the hell happened for you to go, was it something we did or said? 'cause i can't recall and i will apologize a million times if i have to. it's just a lot okay? just to be told that you decided to leave and it was your choice. and if it was i just wanted to know if we could remain friends because i seriously don't want to lose you. just call me back please".

felix was devastated. the fact that you were alone somewhere, away from them, away from him. knowing that even if he said that he wanted to remain friends, the company wouldn't like that and you two would probably never see each other again. it just felt so weird to wait around for a message when you were the quickest to type them out but now it was as if the world was against him or something. he needed to hear your voice and to maybe tell him that it was all a really well calculated prank.

✉ ✉ ✉

"why did you leave? i don't wanna go in circles. i just need to know bluntly and straight the reason why you decided to leave us. weren't we forever? you said that so many times that right now it just feels like another lie. all the things we promised, they're gone too right? (y/n) please fucking answer me before i lose my mind. i am not a person to beg for anything but i would do it right now for you to explain what the hell happened. we are all as confused and lost as we could be! you didn't even say it to our face, were you scared to face us? why would you be scared? we were always gonna support you if you gave us a reason".

seungmin of course didn't mean to sound as angry as he did. he just couldn't help it when he was left in the dark by one of his closest friends and the worst part is knowing that this voicemail was gonna be left on seen. he threw his phone onto his bed as he sighed, hoping you would just answer. it was just scary to him that all of this was happening and he had no idea how to react. you weren't there with them like you always were and he wished for nothing more than for you to come back.

✉ ✉ ✉

"hey (y/n). it feels weird to call you by name but i just need to get your attention somehow so you answer me. it's been forever since we know each other and now to be witnessing what might be the end for what we were building, just leaves me with a bad taste. did we do something? or was it just something else happening that you never told us? either way i would rather you have stayed. i don't wanna cry because you wouldn't have liked that but i feel like i'm gonna do it anyway. not like you're here to stop me even though i wish you were. just please call me or any of us back, i wanna hear your voice telling us the truth".

jeongin's eyes were watery but he quickly wiped them away. he sat there on the couch while everyone was in their rooms and waited. he looked at the door every once in a while thinking maybe it would help him but at the end of the day it just hurt more to now that you probably weren't gonna come back. scrap that, you weren't gonna come back at all and this would be announced tomorrow. he felt like choking but he still stayed strong as he tried to think of the good moments with you and holding on to the memory for dear life.

[frightenedcricket]

Pretty girl.

Noah Sebastian x OC

Note: self indulged fic.

Warning: dysphoria written from my own experience. Read the note at the end before criticising or whatever.

Noah walked past the bedroom and saw Alex watching herself in the mirror. He didn't pay much attention to her and walked in the toilet. It only took him like five minutes, but when he came back she was still there. Praying she hadn't seen him, he stood hidden by the door. What was she doing? She was there dressed in tight jeans and a shirt. There was make up on her face and her hair fell over her shoulders. He couldn't see her face, so he didn't noticed at first. Then he heard her sniff and he frowned.

"Alexandra?"

She turned and suddenly the sniffing transformed into sobbing.

"Alexandra"

He crossed the room and engulfed her in a hug. She broke down in his arms and he had to hold her so she wouldn't collapse.

"Hey, hey. Let's sit"

They moved together to the bed, where he made her sit on his lap and hug him. She cried and cried, her body trembling. Noah held her with a hand behind her head and caressed her back gently.

"Let go... It's fine. Just let go"

Alex needed a good time to regain her breathing, but she couldn't bear to look at him.

"Baby..." Noah whispered. "Can you breathe slow for me? Deep breaths"

She nodded and breathe like he did, trying to focus on his chest moving against hers.

"Well done."

They stayed like that for longer. At some point, Noah even moved them so they were laying across the bed. Her legs were still on his sides, and her arm laid across his chest. His hand was on her long hair, playing with the ends.

"Hey" He muttered and brushed their noses. "Want to talk?"

She took a deep. Breath and felt her chest grow tight. It was her biggest fear, to have to face it and tell him.

"I don't know how..." She said but choke on her words.

Noah frowned. He couldn't express how worried he was, but he was feeling quite dizzy. He wanted to help her. He loved her. It hurt to her like this.

He cupped her cheek and pressed a kiss to her lips. One that she savored as the last one.

"Noah"

"Tell me"

"Don't hate me" She whispered.

"Why would I?"

"I'm not feeling well"

"Are you sick? Do you want to stay at home tonight?" They had planned to go and have dinner with some of the guys.

She shook her head and moved her hand to Noah's cheek. She pressed their foreheads and closed her eyes.

"What is it? Please, tell me. I don't want to see you like this"

"I don't want you to leave me"

For Alex, Noah was her whole world. He was her lover, her best friend, her biggest fan, her shoulder to cry, her biggest critic. He was the person who made her grow, who pushed her to be better. He inspired her in so many aspects, he had been her link to amazing people, he had been the man her best friends had given thumbs up and a big smile... Everyone could see how happy he made her. Alex simply couldn't loose Noah.

"Why would I?"

Alarmed, Noah propped himself up with his elbow. Subconsciously, he moved his leg between hers, kind of threadening it with hers and trapping her there. It was his way to avoid her running away.

"I-I..." She closed her eyes and and tear slipped down her cheek. She had never talked about this with anyone she thought she was doing better, that she had just gone through a difficult phase. But it had come back. "I'm not comfortable"

Noah felt himself going pale. His face felt cold and sweat was forming on his forehead.

"With me?"

She shook her head again and he frowned confused.

"Then?"

"I-I don't know how to explain it... But..."

"Don't worry, take your time."

"I'm not comfortable with who I am"

Noah pushed her hair put of her face.

"What do you mean? Your job?"

Alexandra took a deep breath.

"Physicaly"

Noah frowned even more. "You are beautiful"

Alexandra sniffed and moved to touch his face.

"That's not... Uh... Helpful"

Her heart broke every time he said those words. Maybe not everytime literally. She loved to hear that when they were baked in bed, when she wore her huge pyjama, when she was fully dressed on that comfy merch the band made... But she hated it in moments like this.

"I don't get it, Alex..."

She sobbed and rolled so she could hide on his chest. He didn't know it, but every time he called her Alex her heart would flutter.

"Alex... I don't know what to do..." Noah was desperate. The clock was forgotten, he didn't care about being late or not make it at all. He didn't want to leave the bedroom until he knew she was okay. "Please..."

"I'm so sorry"

"No, no, love. Don't be. Just look at me and tell me what's wrong"

Alex took a deep breath and left her shelter in his arms and sat up. She crossed her legs and Noah mimicked her.

"It's okay if you want to break up with-"

"Don't" He grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles.

"Noah... This thing..."

A bulb lit on his brain. It couldn't be, right? He wouldn't oppose to it. But it meant they would break up and... How could he live without her?

"Are you a lesbian?"

Alex blinked slowly and the tears stopped. She kind of felt her throat going dry.

"No"

"No?"

She shook her head. She was into girls, but she also was into guys. She was very much into Noah specially. That wasn't the issue. It wasn't about her sexuality.

"No. I'm pretty much into you" She cupped his cheek and his fingers coated with a couple of tears that had scaped.

"T-then? What is it?"

"I don't like myself when I look like this"

Noah frowned. She looked normal. It was just her on her clothes.

"I don't get it... Sorry..."

Alex brushed her tears away and got up. Noah watched her go to the mirror.

"This" She pointed at her reflection. "I don't see myself. I see a really feminine girl. She is pretty. She has a cute haircut. But she is not me. That's not Alex..."

Noah sat on the edge of the bed and watched her. She was his beautiful girl, she was his Alexandra. He loved her so much. Noah couldn't understand what she was saying.

"Then who are you?"

She looked at him through the mirror.

"Not her. Not so feminine. Not someone who wears this clothes" She hugged herself. "I'm scared you don't like who I am. Or you stop feeling attracted to me if I look different. If I don't show my curves of it don't look like a pretty girl"

Noah jump to his feet and moved behind her. His big tattooed hands grabbed her by her shoulders, his thumbs drawing circles on his shoulder blades.

"You will always be my pretty girl, Alex"

She lowered her heard and whimpered. How could he be so sure?

"What do you want? Tell me" He circled her with one arm and pushed her chin up so she would look at him through the mirror. "C'mon. How would you feel better?"

She shrugged.

"How do you feel about this clothes?"

"I'm uncomfortable"

"Okay, that's the beginning"

Noah kissed her temple and moved his hands. Soon, her shirt was on the floor. "And this trousers?"

"I hate them"

Noah chuckled and kissed her Naked shoulder. There was nothing sexual. Just pure comfort and want. He wanted to peel her of that skin she hated.

"How much do you trust me?" Noah's brain was working fast. He was thinking of everything she liked about his own style.

"With my life"

"And with scissors?"

She frowned.

"Words?"

"Go on" A smile fought the pout on her lips as she watched him on his knees in front of her. With pure concentration, he cutted the legs of those jeans right above her knees.

Noah stood up and cupped her cheeks trying to bush the rests of mascara under her eyes. He gave her the most breathtaking kiss and then pulled back.

"Do you like it?"

They looked through the mirror and she nodded. She truly did.

"And your hair?"

With a loud gasp, she took the scissors away.

"No, no, you are not doing it"

Noah laughed loudly. "I wasn't... I was thinking about paying Joey a visit"

"Your barber?"

"Well, I've seen some girls in..." Noah stopped. "You are..."

"A girl?" Alex bit his lip. "Yeah."

"Okay..."

"I'm sorry I'm this messy..."

"No, no. Don't be. Just... Do you want to explain?"

She nodded.

"I'm a woman. But... I don't feel comfortable being a woman just how everyone expects me to"

"Okay... So... Are you more masculine?"

She shrugged.

"I don't even know what it means... To be honest. I'm like... I don't know. I don't really feel comfortable like that"

"That's fine. We will figure it out together. I promise"

"I'm scared you'll stop being attracted to me if I don't look so feminine."

"I won't." He muttered. "I just want you to be happy. I'm always attracted to you. Even when you don't look like that. I like when you wear my clothes. And when you mix stuff. I always like you."

"You would tell me, right? If you don't find me hot looking different."

"I would if that made you happy" He said. "But it would be a dick move. And selfish."

"I love you so much, Noah"

"I know. And I love you too. Don't doubt that, okay?"

Alex nodded.

"Now... Go and choose something from my wardrobe."

"Yours?"

"Mhm. I know you like it. I see it now"

"What?"

"How you always suggest stuff. And tell me how to put my clothes together."

Alex bit her lip.

"You'd like to dress like that"

She nodded and smiled so big. Noah Sebastian was a clever guy.

Five minutes later, a huge white t-shirt hung loose around her body. Noah stood behind her and combed his fingers through her hair. He was quite clumsy trying to do someone's else hair. But he could put a bun together. She had always been told to wear her hair long and loose, that it was beautiful.

"There you go"

They choose a pair of shocks she wore with her vans and went back to the mirror. Alex looked so different, but she couldn't stop smiling.

"I used to dress like this when I was younger"

"Why did you stop?"

She shrugged. "I wanted boys to like me"

Noah looked down at her.

"Alexandra..."

"I know, I know... I will get better. I promise"

Noah nodded and leaned to kiss her temple. "You are beautiful" He whispered. "Does it help?"

She nodded. "It does now. You find me beautiful like this"

"I do."

"I find myself beautiful like this too"

"That's awesome"

Alex looked at herself once more. She knew she couldn't be happy based on how attractive Noah found her. She had listened to that so many times. She was worth much more than how people found her. But her chest warmed to feel Noah so close.

"Just be yourself, okay? We will find some clothes, a cool hair cut that suits you better..."

"I just want to stop being what everyone expects me to. I'm not that girl"

"Let's bury her"

She nodded.

"Let's bury her"

Noah kissed her shoulder.

"Can you tell me what you see now?" He said and snaked his arms around her.

"Uh... I see myself now. Alex. I am like this. I feel like this. I see me"

Noah smiled and kissed her cheek. "I love you, Alex"

"I love you too"

"Now go and wash your face. The guys are waiting"

She eagerly nodded, not feeling that anxiety anymore.

They walked hand in hand. She was even wearing one of Noah's jackets, her own not suiting her anymore. The guys smiled when they walked in the dinner and looked curious. But they didn't say anything. They shared looks and smiled.

"You look good, Alexandra. So cool" Folio said. "Did you do something to your hair?"

"She didn't let me" Noah said with a smile.

"You are not getting close to my hair with scissors"

"I cut the jeans, though"

She rolled her eyes but he pulled her close and kissed her cheek.

"You let him do what?" Folio gasped. "Alexandra..."

She bit her lip and grabbed Noah's hand under the table.

"Alex. It's Alex, okay?"

They nodded.

She was still Alexandra. But she felt more comfortable like Alex. She liked Alex.

"Cool"

Two days later, Noah waited outside Joey's shot. He had been told to wait outside. Alex wanted it this way. When she walked out, her hair was shorter. So much shorter. It looked like a wolf cut, or something like that. She looked amazing.

"Oh wow" There was a huge smile on his lips that made her blush. She looked awesome, happy and had something unique. "Wow, what the hell did you asked for? That's so cute. I mean cool. You look cool"

"You can be cool and cute, Noah..."

"You are."

"So are you"

She hugged his waist and closed her eyes. Noah laid his chin on her head and hugged her too.

"What do you feel like doing now?"

"Um... Do you want to go thrifting?"

Noah chuckled and nodded. "We can drop your old clothes too, right?"

"That would be awesome."

"let's go then, pretty girl"

Author's note: for me talking about dysphoria was weird because I didn't know it actually was dysphoria. It felt wrong, I felt uncomfortable, I felt ugly, I had lots of anxiety, I never felt good enough, my clothes were never right, my hair never looked good. I had a relationship and i wanted to look good for him. I wanted to be pretty for him and being pretty meant to be normative. I needed to wear make up, have long hair, wear skirts and dresses, be a really feminine girl. I had to like "girls" stuff. But that wasn't me.

When that relationship ended, I didn't feel like myself. I felt so uncomfortable with who I was and what I did for fun and stuff. So slowly I tried to find things that suited me. I began with clothes. I started changing my clothing style. Then my hair. It took a bit, but I finally found a more androgynous way to express myself and the anxiety reduced. I found that people around me didn't mind, they still thought I was "Cool" and "good looking".

I still struggle sometimes. There are bad times in which I feel weaker and I try to hide, but my life changed so much. I struggle showing my body, my curves and all of that, to be honest. I'm not happy with some parts of it. But I'm still figuring it out.

I'm a girl, I'm just not the girl they expect me to be, so I changed myself and morphed into what girlhood felt for me.

Thank you for reading if you did, my writing is sometimes a way to express how I feel with my life and helps me a lot ❤️

[runninriot]

Love Is A Polaroid Steddie ficlet | ~2k | cw: implied/referenced self-destructive behaviour, drinking, a little heartbreak before it gets better | happy sappy steddie & platonic stobin

inspired by the insanely talented @inklessletter 's #polaroid series (go check out their art right now!!!)

   "Steeeve, please!" Robin begs. Literally begs.

Like, hands folded together as if in prayer, a pleading look in her eyes, expression as if she's in pain.

   "Robs, no! I don't- that's stupid. I don't feel comfortable with you following us around to take pictures for your- whatever it is." He waves a hand at her dismissively.

   "It's a project, Steve. For my Photography Studies course."

He should know, she already explained that. Told him something about visualizing love in its purest form. Told him she wants to take polaroid pictures of him and Eddie. No posing, just random shots whenever she feels like it. Pictures in black and white - something about using dark tones and deep contrasts to enhance the beauty of simple moments in their day to day life.

   "Whatever. I still don't get why it has to be us?"

Steve is a little frustrated. She's been going on about her wonderful idea for a good few minutes now, not willing to drop the subject no matter how adamantly Steve declines. She knows how shy he gets when he knows someone is taking a picture of him. He hates how he always looks a little off, has never felt very photogenic. So, the mere thought of Robin capturing him in possibly awkward situations with his boyfriend makes his skin crawl.

   "Well, first of all, you are my best friends, so it would mean a lot to have you be part of it. Plus, we live together so I wouldn’t be around you any more than I already am. You wouldn’t even notice. And you two are the perfect motive because-“ Robin’s eyes flicker down to her own feet, unable to hold his gaze.

Her face is suddenly painted with a faint crimson blush. Steve's furrowed brows smooth out and his expressions go soft again when he looks at his best friend's bashful little smile as she looks sheepishly back up at him.

   "You are the perfect motive because I've never seen two people being so in love with each other. Makes me sick how soft and cute you two are, if I'm honest."

Robin chuckles and Steve snorts loudly, both rolling their eyes at the same time because God, when did Robin become such a sap?

   "What you and Eddie have is love in its purest form. It’s unapologetic, honest, and real. It's all I ever want to find for myself. I'm fucking jealous of you, Steve!"

They laugh and Steve ignores the violent tug in his heart caused by her words.

What him and Eddie have really is special. He knows it's some kind of miracle that they've ended up where they are now. It wasn't always that easy. There were times when Steve wanted to just give up. When the world tumbled down and buried him under its weight. When he thought he could never have Eddie like that, wanted to rather die than live life without him.

When Steve realised he had fallen in love with his best friend, his best male friend, he panicked. Finding out he likes boys like he likes girls wasn't even the scariest part. What really took him out was the fear of losing Eddie if he ever told him the truth. For weeks he tried to push his feelings down, tried to cage them behind his ribs but all it did was make him suffer even more. Every time Eddie looked at him, he felt a sharp pain in his heart. Every time Eddie touched him, it left a searing sensation on his skin. Every time they were alone, Steve felt like he was losing his mind, desperately trying to fight the urge to kiss the boy so blissfully unaware of the heartache he caused him. He fought and suffered in silence until he couldn’t take it anymore and succumbed to the tormenting ache in his chest. Until he fell into a dark hole.

Steve drifted apart, dulling his feelings with unhealthy amounts of booze. Hunting for warm, willing bodies to sink into. Starving for touch and affection just to feel anything other than the grief-stricken pain of losing the lover he never even had to begin with.

Of course, his self-destructive behaviour hadn’t gone unnoticed by his friends. Robin tried everything in her power to get through to him. Offered advice and help for all the wrong problems because she couldn’t have known that the real issue was his own fucking mind and his inability to talk about what kept him up at night. What made him so angry and distant and numb.

And then there was Eddie. Sweet, kind, and caring Eddie who couldn’t keep watching his friend ruin his own life anymore. Who gave him an ultimatum – stop hurting yourself or I’ll leave.

Eddie’s words felt like a pistol held to his head, the determination in his teary eyes like a finger ready to pull the trigger. Steve knew he meant it, knew this was his last chance. He would lose the one person that meant everything to him.

   “I can’t lose you, Eddie.”

   “Then let me love you instead.”

He said the words like it was easy. Like it hadn’t nearly cost Steve his sanity to even think them.

Love.

Love you.

   “I love you!”

Steve felt like he was startling awake from a nightmare. One of those where, once you’ve opened your eyes, you instantly forget its horrors. That’s what it felt like when his confession found its way out of his mouth, making the pain of the past months disperse into nothingness.

Eddie had been right there all this time.

Eddie, with tears running down his beautiful face, smiling lovingly at Steve. Eddie, who brought his hands up to each side of Steve’s face before he leaned down and sealed his lips with a bruising kiss. Despair and pain spilling from his mouth as he licked his way inside, forcefully pushing something else in their place. Filling Steve’s insides with warmth and light and happiness. Passion running through his veins, pumping love into his heart, restarting the rotten organ to pick up its once steady beat. Its rhythm hard and fast, growing in size so big Steve felt like it would burst right through his chest.

I. Love. You.

Three simple words were all it took.

All the pain, the suffering, the loveless nights, and dreadful days – they all vanished in the seconds it took to say them out loud.

Three simple words, that seemed so frightening in his mind, so loaded with too much meaning and not enough weight to truly express what he felt.

What he still feels.

Loving Eddie and be loved by him in return is so easy. It’s easy because it just comes naturally. It’s what makes their love so pure, so honest, and true. They have one heart beating in two separate bodies. They are a two-piece puzzle, their curves and edges shaped to fit. A perfect match.

Steve holds out his hands, waits for Robin to take them in hers, and pulls her into a hug.

   “Eddie already said yes, hasn’t he?” Steve says through a defeated smile.

   “Well, his exact words were ‘You’re gonna regret it, Bucks.’ And then he said something about being extra nasty and insufferable just to wind me up. But yeah, he’s on board.” Robin huffs out a laugh.

Steve pulls her tighter, laughs when he practically hears Eddie’s voice in his head, sees his mischievous grin before his inner eye.

Eddie loves to be the centre of attention. Loves to be in the spotlight. Of course, he would be happy to provide himself as vessel for Robin’s artistic outlet.

    The things you do for love, Steve sighs before he agrees.

 

Polaroid #1

Movie night. The three friends are watching some old, trashy horror movie. Steve had a very stressful day at work, can barely keep his eyes open when they’re not even 15 minutes into the movie. He falls asleep on the couch, unbothered by Robin and Eddie’s bickering and laughing. When the movie comes to an end, Eddie leans down to Steve’s resting body, foreheads touching as he takes a moment to just listen to the other man’s calm breathing. ‘Hey baby,’ Eddie whispers softly, ‘time to get up.’ He kisses the tip of Steve’s nose, waits for him to slowly drift out of his deep slumber.

Steve smiles sleepily when he opens his eyes and sees Eddie’s face hovering over him, accepts the gentle press of Eddie’s lips against his own.

   ‘C’mon, darling. Let’s get you to bed.’

   ‘I’m not even tired anymore,’ Steve says, his face scrunched up when he yawns loudly.

   ‘Hmm, I know a way to tire you out, baby. Don’t worry,’ Eddie answers smugly, brushing their noses together before he kisses him again.

Robin makes a gagging sound, but smiles as she takes a picture to capture this soft little moment.

Polaroid #2

Sunday morning. They are all a little groggy from Robin’s early birthday celebrations last night. They’ve been out dancing, downing shot after shot, having an awesome time. Now, the buzz from the night before is gone and makes way for headaches and hangover munchies. Steve promised Robin pancakes in the morning and she’s desperate for him to finally get up and make them. She knocks on their bedroom door and steps in without waiting for an answer. The boys are still in bed. Eddie looks like he just woke up with his frazzled hair hanging into his face, lying half on top of Steve, rubbing his eyes. ‘Just five more minutes’, Steve grumbles, refuses to turn and get up.

It’s her Birthday, sure, and he promised her food she absolutely, definitely needs to soak up the remaining alcohol in her system – but she can give him another five minutes.

When she returns (exactly five minutes later), she captures Eddie and Steve still in bed. Eddie’s lips grazing the skin on his mole-speckled back with a dreamy look in his eyes, while Steve sighs in defeat ‘Alright, Robs. You win.’

The shutter clicks just before he turns around to throw a pillow at her head, causing Eddie to tumble to the side and nearly topple off the bed.

Polaroid #3

Robin sorts through the pile of polaroid pictures she’s taken over the last two weeks:

Steve and Eddie dancing in the kitchen to some dorky love song.

Steve resting between Eddie’s thighs where they lie cuddled up on the sofa, Eddie reading his favourite book to Steve.

Eddie trying and failing to make a handstand, Steve beside him, holding his belly from laughing so hard.

A picture of all three of them on Robin’s birthday, faces covered in whipped cream and chocolate syrup after devouring their pancakes like starving animals.

Eddie with his guitar in his lap, Steve sitting on the floor across from him. They share a loving look, eyes full of desire and devotion.

And then- Robin startles in shock. How did that get in here?

She knows she didn’t take that picture. She couldn’t have. Not with the way she already feels the deep blush creeping up her face because- Jesus! That’s entirely too personal. She feels like she’s invading their privacy just by looking at that. This surely isn’t meant for anyone’s eyes but theirs.

It’s not like they’re visibly naked but the position of their bodies leaves literally no room for speculations. One of Eddie’s hands wrapped around Steve’s throat  and Steve looks like- well, he looks absolutely fucking blissful. Robin can practically hear the soft moans escaping his parted lips (How she knows what he sounds like, you ask? They swore to never ever talk about that incident ever again).

It looks like Eddie is kissing him. Or maybe he licks his skin. Maybe he whispers some dirty words into his ear, tells him how he’s going to wreck him – who knows? The point is, Robin doesn’t want to know because as much as she adores them, as much as she’s been prying on their sweet moments over the past weeks, there are things that should be kept between them.

She’s going to frame it and surprise them with it. (What she doesn’t know, is that Eddie sneaked that picture into her folder just to tease her. What she also doesn’t know is that there’s a whole collection of more of these kind of pictures hidden in a shoebox under their bed.)

[promisesbutnevertokeep]

Isn’t that what he wanted? Part three

part one | part two | part three

tags: @zer0brainc3lls @the-flaminhos

Trigger warning: mentions of death, mentions of suicide, survivors guilt

(When the text is in italics it’s Thomas’s conscience)

———————————————————————

It was cold. The island, the water, the feeling in Thomas’ chest. The sun hadn’t shown its face in a while, the grey clouds overshadowing the supposed haven. Truth was, Thomas didn’t feel like this place was a haven. His haven wasn’t around anymore. He was long gone now, his haven was murdered by his own hands.

He’d killed him. Though the blood wasn’t literally there anymore, he still felt the need to scrub his hands to try get rid of the feeling. That awful guilty feeling that filled his chest and made him sick to his stomach.

Minho sat down next to him, “Thomas..” he was careful not to startle him. “He’s not in pain anymore, he’s finally at peace, he wouldn’t want you to be-“

The brunette snapped “I don’t get it Minho! Why did some people not be able to be immune and why did it have to be newt! He- he told me he’d follow me anywhere..” tears reached the brim of his eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall. They stung and made his vision go blurry but not once did they fall.

Minho stared in shocked, but gently rubbed his shoulder before getting up “I’m here if you need me, we all are Thomas.” He walked away, since Thomas clearly wasn’t in the right mental state for talking.

He felt he wasn’t worthy of comfort, and many did try to console him, give him the consolation that he did a noble thing, that he did the correct thing. But Thomas would push and push them away in refusal to be comforted. Even if others forgave him, he wouldn’t ever forgive himself.

the simplest reason why? he couldn’t bring himself to.

The brunette sat on the beach. It was empty because of the gloomy day, just him and his conscience, which was quite a danger when he was in such a fragile state. There’s many different ways to process a death of a loved one, but the slowest is not accepting it at all.

Thomas’s hand held the capsule necklace of his deceased Love, clinging to it for some sense of clarity. His eyes scanned the words on the paper once more;

‘Dear Thomas, this is the first letter I could remember writing. Obviously, I don't know if I wrote any before the Maze. But even if it's not my first, it's likely to be my last. I want you to know that I'm not scared. Well, not of dying, anyway. It's more forgetting. It's losing myself to this virus, that's what scares me. So every night, I've been saying their names out loud. Alby. Winston. Chuck. And I just repeat them over and over like a prayer, and it - And it all comes flooding back. Just the little things like where the sun used to hit the Glade at that perfect moment right before it slipped beneath the walls. And I remember the taste of Frypan's stew. I never thought I'd miss that stuff so much. And I remember you. From the first time you came up in the box, just a scared little Greenie who couldn't even remember his own name. But from that moment you ran into the Maze, I knew I would follow you anywhere. And I have. We all have. If I could do it all over again, I would. And I wouldn't change a thing. My hope for you: when you're looking back years from now, you'll be able to say the same. The future is in your hands now, Tommy. I know you'll find a way to do what's right. You always have. Take care of everyone for me. And take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy. Thank you for being my friend. Goodbye, mate. Newt.’

Teardrops stained the worn, crinkled page, the ink smearing.

This was the first time Thomas had allowed himself to cry, and suddenly all that emotion and anger at himself hidden behind that numb wall came flooding out. He sobbed to himself, shouting at the sky to bring his Newt back, he needed him back.. he did all this for him and he was gone-

‘Why are you crying Thomas?” There was that voice at the back of his head. “Is it because you found out Newt wasn’t immune and that he was going to die no matter what? Or is it because if you’d listened to Teresa there’s a chance you could’ve been sat here with him, but instead you let him die?”

He winced at the voice, he couldn’t deny it.

“But Thomas? Isn’t that what he wanted?”

he laid back against the sand, silently praying for some divine intervention to come and swallow him up in the sand so he could be with Newt once more. The safe haven wasn’t a haven to him. It was safe yes, but his haven wasn’t there anymore, and why live without someone to live for?

The words of his conscience stuck with him. ‘Did newt get what he wanted?’

———————————————————————

this hasn’t been reread so I’m sorry for any mistakes.

[phr3ia]

Love Game (Toji Fushiguro x Fem!Reader) [Chapter 04 : Day Off]

[A few days later...]

You yawned widely, stretching your arms above your head and arching your back, relishing the sweet freedom of a day off. The sun streamed through the windows, casting a warm glow on the living room where you stood. Your eyes fell on the newspaper Toji had left on the kitchen counter, and you picked it up, flipping through the pages.

"Mmm, this is some interesting news..." You muttered under your breath, unaware of Toji's presence. Suddenly, you felt a chill run down your spine, and you whirled around, nearly dropping the newspaper.

"Jesus Christ, Toji! You scared the hell out of me!"

He chuckled, leaning casually against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. "Been here for five minutes, just enjoying the view. Literally." He waggled his brows, gesturing towards your backside.

A blush crept up your neck, and you spun back to face the paper. "You're sick, you know that?" You snapped, feeling helpless against his teasing.

Toji walked up behind you, slipping his arms around your waist, and nuzzled your ear. "I'm just keeping you on your toes, Buttercup. Otherwise, you'd get bored."

You stiffened, trying to push his hands away without making it obvious. "Get off me, Toji. I'm trying to read."

He squeezed your waist, making you squirm. "A woman who reads, how delightful. It's a shame you're not interested in me, though. You'd be perfect for me."

You rolled your eyes, pushing his hands off you, before moving to the couch. "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not interested in a man-whore like you."

Toji followed you, sitting beside you and flashed you a roguish smile. "Man-whore? That's harsh. You're just jealous."

You ignored his comment and said. "And I'm sure you're busy enough, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't bother me with your nonsense while I'm trying to relax."

Toji chuckled, grabbing a handful of pistachios from the coffee table. "Relax? You mean brood. Don't worry, I'll lighten the mood. Tell me all about your work this week. What exciting cases do you have?"

You groaned, running a hand through your hair. "Nothing exciting. Just the usual dealing with human traffickers and drug cartels. Nothing that would interest a blood-thirsty assassin like you."

He snorted, throwing a pistachio at you. "Gotta love your imagination. But tell me, have you ever thought about switching careers? I bet you'd be a natural at taking down Jujutsu Sorcerers."

Your jaw dropped, and you stared at him in disbelief . "Are you insane? I barely tolerate working with regular criminals. Why would I want to go after people with actual power?"

Toji shrugged, munching on another pistachio. "The thrill is intoxicating, the adrenaline. It's addictive." He leaned in close, his breath tickling your ear. "Plus, you'd have me to teach you a thing or two about handling cursed tools."

Your cheeks flushed, and you pushed him away, clearly uncomfortable. "No, thank you. I'm perfectly happy with what I'm doing."

Toji grinned, raising his hands in surrender. "Alright, alright. I see I can't sway you. Now, go on, tell me more about your boring, drama-free life."

You sighed, resigned to his teasing, and began sharing stories of your work. It wasn't long before Toji started adding his own embellishments, making the tales more outrageous than they already were.

As you exchanged stories, Toji suddenly paused, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. "You know, I'm kind of glad you didn't consider becoming a Jujutsu Sorcerer. I can't stand them, and I don't want to end up hating you too."

You scoffed, crossing your arms. "So, you'd hate me if I become one? Interesting. How about I just hate you for being an asshole?"

Toji chuckled, unfazed by your jab. "Ah, but it's such a fun kind of asshole. Besides, it's not like I can help it. It's in my blood. And let's not forget, you're stuck with me either way. So, you might as well learn to deal with it."

His words managed to annoy you further, and you huffed, scooting away from him. "Yeah, yeah. I thought I made it clear that I don't want your nonsense in my life."

Toji grinned, clearly enjoying your irritation. "You keep saying that, but you never really tried leaving me."

Your eyes narrowed, and you gave him a warning look. "It's my apartment. Why would I leave? So, save the shit-eating grin for someone who cares, Toji."

He winked, reaching over to ruffle your hair. "You're such a sourpuss, but I like you anyway."

You swatted his hand away and stood up, unable to take his teasing anymore. "Whatever, Toji. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a shower to wash off your stench."

Toji laughed, watching as you stormed off to your room. "Always a pleasure, Buttercup."

Truth be told, you came from a family with cursed energy yourself. Growing up, you saw your fair share of cursed spirits. Yet, you consciously avoided pursuing a career in Jujutsu. You knew well that such a path would only bring you more trouble.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

You locked yourself in the bathroom, taking your sweet time to shower and get dressed. When you emerged, you were clad in a tight red dress that hugged your curves, Toji's eyes widened. "Whoa, Buttercup. Where are you going all dressed up like that?"

You glared at him, clearly irritated by his presence. "None of your business. I'm going out, that's all."

"Any special occasion? Or do you have a date?" Toji teased, drawing you closer to the edge of your temper.

"I am NOT going on a date, and there's no special occasion. I'm just going to enjoy myself for once, and I don't need your permission or approval."

Toji arched a brow, smirking. "So, you're going out alone? Seems like a lonely day for you. Why don't you let me tag along? I'm free today, and I could always use some company."

You crossed your arms, glaring at him. "I'm going out to have a drink by myself. I don't need your company. Go back to your one-night stands. I'm sure they'd welcome you with open arms."

Despite your rejections, Toji seemed undeterred. "Oh, come on. I'm a great wingman, and I'm sure you could use one. No need to feel lonely." He sauntered closer.

You pulled away, annoyance thick in your voice. "You're not needed, Toji. Stay away from me. I'm going out by myself, and that's final. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving."

Ignoring his continued protests, you marched towards the door, determined to enjoy your night of solitude. Little did you know, Toji had other plans.

•┈••✦ ❤ ✦••┈•

End Of Chapter 4 🥀....

@meowforluv @miizuzu

[antiradqueer]

Hey tumblr.

It's Luna, or more, someone of us who has no clue who they are right now. We feel like the embodiment of being sick and tired and just so done.

We have been thinking long and hard about what to write in this post or if we even want to make a post like this, but now that we're typing out these words, we don't know why we put it off so long.

We are permanently fucking off from the radqueer discourse. We can't take it anymore and we don't care anymore. We've lost all empathy and sympathy for everyone and everything involved in this shitshow, no matter which side they're on. The reason for this is not that we suddenly are neutral, we are still anti-radqueer, but we are so burned out and just start to dissociate the second we open the tags or see a radqueer post in the wild. We're naturally low empathy to begin with, but now every last ounce of that is completely gone when it comes to this topic, plus we just... don't care anymore. There's the 100th transnazi popping up? I don't care. Another "cisabuser" in the tags? doesn't matter. whatever. We're not a bad person, we are just done. We can't keep on doing this or this will eventually throw us into depression again and that might literally kill us. and I'm not going to let that happen.

when I think about radqueers, I feel so much anger, frustration and sadness - or more, that's what I felt. now all of that is just drowned by a dark cloud of tiredness and nothingness.

so, this is our goodbye. Knowing us, we will probably still roam the tags sometimes and depending who is fronting, some of us might even interact with discourse still, but like, officially, we are gone. (@ mod mew: if you could let us still have access to this account that would be dope af tho!)

I will also use this post to to encourage every anti-radqueer who's fighting tooth and nail to get blogs taken down and people banned, to step back for a minute, take a deep breath and think about if you really want to keep on doing this. we thought this would never take a mental toll on us, yet here we are. I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong, but I'm saying that maybe you could use your energy and will to fight for something else.

let's face it, radqueers will never be an actual threat to society. they are pathetic, sad people, hiding behind their screens, screaming "the future is radqueer!" over and over, but in reality this "movement" will burn to the ground eventually and they will go down with it.

do people get hurt in radqueer spaces? yes, they do and that's horrible (just a note as to how bad it's gotten with us: I write this and logically know that yes, it IS horrible - but I feel absolutely nothing. In all honesty, I currently don't care if people get hurt or not, because I can't care. it's like our brain shut off all emotions regarding this topic to protect ourselves). and I'm not saying you should stop offering them help, but I think you can stop worrying about the radqueers taking over society or whatever. if you feel this taking a toll on your mental health, please put yourself first. protecting your health and your life is always, ALWAYS more important that fighting strangers on the internet.

okay, in case you don't think of us as a total asshole with a heart of stone now and are interested in our plurality- and alterhumanity-focused tumblr life, here's out brand new system blog: @the-exodus-fleet And also our hosts blog: @talks-with-the-void

Take care of yourselves and thanks for every kind word and all the support we've got along the way /gen

PS: if any radqueer reads this and wants to celebrate this as a win or whatever, go ahead. if you need this to feel some joy in your sad, miserable little life, I'm not stopping you.

PPS: I still genuiely hope all radqueers eventually come to their sense and leave this bullshit ideology behind

PPPS: and to all radqueers who hide behind this label to abuse and groom other, I hope you lose all your friends and your family over this. you deserve no happiness.

[woozvc]

back to you.

y.jh

synopsis — you move back to the town you left one year ago as a senior in high school. what happens when u see jeonghan, who you also left behind without an explanation?

pairing — jeonghan x gn!reader

genre/s — written + smau, hurt comfort, reader messed up but they apologize, 2nd chance, seren cafe makes a comeback

warnings — singular penthouse spoiler (??), mentions of leaving, cursing, not prof read

( wc - 2.4k ish)

call in sick? your dog died? you had a heart attack???

literally any excuse to get yourself out of meeting yoon jeonghan tomorrow you'd take it.

if you told yourself 2years ago that you'd be thinking of ways to avoid jeonghan you would've punched yourself in the face. he was everything you've dreamed of. smart, funny, caring and most of all loyal.

you and jeonghan were not dating, although, it felt like it. you'd go on long walks at 2 in the morning holding hands talking about your futures together. both of u would go on weekly cafe runs exploring new places and trying new food.

but

you and jeonghan were not dating.

so it shouldn't matter that the day you asked jeonghan to meet you in a cafe as were supposed to tell him your family was moving to another country, you never showed up.

you walk into the cafe, fully expecting jeonghan not to show up. he was nice but he also was revengeful, and you couldn't blame him. but he was there, like he always had been.

he waved his hand to you and you sit down in front of him. the air around both of you suddenly thick with tension. you both knew you'd have to bring it up but neither of you wanted to let go of this moment. so you started.

"so how have-"

"why didn't you come that day."

straightforward. like he always had been. you quiet for a second, watching as the waiter approaches you. you can feel jeonghans gaze on you, piercing, trying to look within you to find an answer.

you order a coffee and jeonghan does too. he seems completely uninterested in his beverage choices right now.

"you know I waited for 4hours that day. I kept texting you hoping you'd reply but you never did."

ouch. you had muted jeonghan that day as u walked back to your apartment. you had halfway made it to the cafe when you decided that you couldn't tell him. it was too hard.

"I wanted to tell you, I really did. I have no excuse. call me an immature senior in highschool but I couldn't find the words to tell you."

"so you left? just like that?"

your silence is broken by your cups being kept on your table. the waiter says a small enjoy before walking away. although, he could clearly see that you were in fact not enjoying.

"let me explain from the beginning."

and you did. you and jeonghan sat in the cafe for 3hours while you told him why you couldn't show up that day. why you never contacted him again. why you left him to find out you had moved to a different place with your parents from his friends and not you directly.

"we weren't even dating, I told myself to excuse my actions but I owed u an explanation as a friend too. I'm sorry."

"I was going to confess to you that day"

you don't respond.

"you texted me, saying u needed to meet up immediately. there was no underlying panic in your tone so I thought maybe you had finally realised my feelings for you. truth is I had been thinking about telling you I liked you for a while then, no, I was in love with you"

you wish you could tell him you felt the same way right then and there. you wish you could get up and hug him the way you've been thinking of doing for the past year. you wish u could just ask him to be yours.

"can we start over jeonghan?"

3 months later —

[crimson-calligraphyx]

Tag List: @cheyfi @kingdomof-omens @daylightlvrs @blade-in-red @ladyveronikawrites @jay02bo @itsmrsfuentes @cncohshit @catj422 @lma1986

Time moved at a snail's pace when I finally crawled into bed after throwing up until there was simply nothing left to come out.

My mind was just a never-ending vortex of the disaster I created, and the vertigo was so intense that it made me physically sick. I had heaved and heaved, leaving me with an intense stomachache and a raw throat.

It felt like an eternity had passed when in reality it was probably only an hour or two of staring at the ceiling. I could feel everything so intensely; the air felt too heavy, the room felt too dark, the silence was deafening, my head throbbed, my stomach burned, and I couldn't fucking sleep because of it. That, and the fact that I was quite literally killing my husband, the image of how sick and heartbroken he was, branded into my mind.

I wished that I could take this all back, and have things go back to the way they were. I wished that I could erase not only the pain that I felt but the pain that I was inflicting on him, too. It was affecting him more than it was affecting me, that much was obvious.

With a huff, I rolled over and took hold of Noah's pillow, tucking myself into a ball as I clutched it to me. I imagined that it was him as I breathed in the remanence of his cologne, holding it so tight as if I could will this back into existence.

There was a pressure behind my eyes, and my cheeks were suddenly warm and damp as the past images continued to flash before me. All the good, all the bad. I was crying again, though no sounds came out of me. I was so sick of crying, I just wanted to sleep—I needed to distract myself somehow.

I reached for my phone on the nightstand, shutting my eyes for a moment as the light from the screen shot daggers through my head. I peeked one eye open and unlocked my phone, dialing the only person I felt I could still call at 2 in the morning.

"You bitch—" "I'm killing Noah," I whimpered into my phone. I didn't even let Vic finish her usual greeting whenever I called her in the middle of the night. I hear rustling on the other end, and I know she's rolling her eyes as she sits up in bed. "You know that's my job, Liv," she humors, but I don't laugh. "What did he do this time?" I sniffle, screwing my eyes shut as fresh tears spring in my eyes. "Vic, I'm not joking. He's sick." "What do you mean sick?"

I don't say anything as my lips tremble. I can't. I knew the second the name of that disease made it out of my mouth, I'd be inconsolable.

"No," she breathes. "Olivia, no, it can't be that. I know how much you love him." I sucked in a choppy breath, shaking my head. "He showed me the flowers, Vic," I whispered. "He's sick—suffering—a-and it's all my fault. And he left because of it." I hear her curse under her breath. "Where is he now?" "Nick's," I croaked, "and all I fucking see when I close my eyes is him hacking, struggling to breathe as he closed the door." "Just give him time, Liv. He'll come back, I swear to you," she tries, her voice quivering. I knew the tone in her voice—she was not only trying to convince me, but herself, too.

-

JANUARY 29

I woke up this morning to a pounding headache, the constant buzzing of my phone under my face from how I had fallen asleep like a fucking chainsaw inside my skull. I knew I was being flooded by a multitude of 'Happy Birthday' texts; I was officially 29, on the 29th.

I scrolled through my messages and threw my phone down on the mattress with a huff, telling myself I'd get back to thanking them eventually. None of them were from the one person I wanted to hear from the most, but that was to be expected—it's been nearly a month since I've talked to Noah, why would my birthday make it any different?

I did what I've been doing every morning since he left. Wake up, lie in bed until it was nearly time for me to get to the bakery, force myself up, and swallow some Advil and Tums to rid the hangover-induced headache and nausea. Throw on whatever clean clothes that I had, put my hair in a bun, and go my merry way. I'd have coffee and breakfast at work.

When I walked into work shortly after noon, I was met by pink and white streamers twisted and strung from the ceiling, and an archway of balloons of the same color scheme. Holly and Juliana made their way around the counter as they sang 'Happy Birthday', a small cake in hand adorned with a sparkler rather than a candle.

I laughed, shaking my head at them, and accepted the cake. "You didn't have to do all this." "But we wanted to, Liv," Juliana states, giving me a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder. "We've noticed that you seemed a little distant lately and just wanted to show you that we care. Besides, it's your birthday! Everyone deserves cake on their birthday."

My heart sank a tad at how obvious it was that I wasn't doing well, my eyes dropping to the sparkler burning lower and lower as the seconds ticked by. "Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it," I feigned a smile, blowing out the flame as I made a wish that I was doubtful would come true—do wishes even count on sparklers? I brought my gaze back up to the girls, motioning the cake towards the back. "Let's dig in. I'm starving."

We each cut ourselves a slice of cake, all the while being asked if I had any plans with Noah for my birthday. I hid my cringe with a huge mouthful of cake, nodding my head 'yes', even though I didn't. Before they could question me any further, I told them I had some extra work to do, and took my breakfast to my office.

I shut the door, hastily tossing the paper plate on my desk before collapsing into my chair with a huff. I never mentioned anything to the girls—as far as they knew, everything was peachy keen in my marriage. I just wasn't ready to explain the situation to them, not fully understanding what the fuck was going on myself.

All I knew was that he was sick because of me, and I felt nothing but guilt because of that. I never meant for this to happen, I never wanted this to happen, and I wasn't sure if we were going to try to make this work again. Hell, I wasn't even sure if he was ever going to speak to me again. The uncertainty of that made my heart race and my stomach churn.

And churn.

And churn.

The next thing that I knew, I was puking in the wastebasket that I had under my desk. My eyes immediately watered; tears slid down my face as I spit, trying to clear the acrid taste that sat on my tongue.

With a sniffle, I sat up and wiped under my nose when I was sure that I was done vomiting. This was the third time I've gotten sick in the past week, and I had no idea what the reasoning behind it was. The flu? Stress? Drinking too much? Probably the latter.

Either way, it was exhausting, and I just wanted to go home and back to bed. I couldn't, though; I had a job to do.

I ran my now sweaty hands down my thighs and clambered out of my chair, throwing the cake out and tying the trash bag before leaving my office. I threw it in the barrel, washed my hands, and finally made my way back out to the floor, stopping dead in my tracks when I saw my best friend standing there. Smug expression, arms folded over her chest and all.

I immediately ran around the counter, pulling her into a tight hug now that her arms were welcoming me in. "What the Hell are you doing here?" I practically yelled as we bounced side to side on our feet, giggling. "Bitch, it's your birthday," she says, placing her hands on my shoulders to look at me. "Noah's being a ding-dong, so I'm taking my girl out to celebrate." I laughed lightly, shaking my head. "It's me that's being the ding-dong, Vic. Not him." She rolls her eyes exasperatedly, her head following suit with a scoff. "Okay, so you're both ding-dongs, whatever. Let's go," she cocks her head towards the front door, beckoning me to follow her.

I furrow my brows and put my arms out, palms up while taking a gander around the bakery. "I can't just leave work, Vic. I got shit to do; baking, start of inventory, paperwork—" She holds her hands up in surrender, "Okay, Suzi Q, I get it. I'll just...hang out at your place, I guess. Keys?" She then holds her hand out, folding her fingers to her palm. "You are unbelievable," I chuckle, shaking my head at her. I unclip my set of keys from my belt loop, sliding just the house key off the ring, and press it into her hand. "Don't lose it, and don't lock me out of my own home. Help yourself to whatever, the spare bedroom is available if you want to nap—" She waves me off, "Yeah, yeah. I'll see you in a bit." "I hate you." She winks with a smirk plastered on her face, "Love you, too."

After she had left, I went to the back to take care of what needed to be done, eager to get out as soon as possible to see what it was that Vic had planned.

When I got home, I was met by a bouquet of roses on the kitchen island, peppered with baby's breath. The vase they sat in was beautiful; it stood at least a foot and a half tall, crystal clear with golden vines wrapping around its body, and up and over the lip. I smiled softly with a shake of my head, astonished.

"You didn't have to buy me these, Vic!" I called out, not knowing where she was. I heard her footsteps against the linoleum shortly thereafter, turning to see her rubbing her eyes. She must've taken that nap, after all. "I didn't," she denies through a loud yawn. "Ruffles stopped by to deliver them." I scrunch my face in skepticism, jerking my head back slightly. "Nick bought me flowers for my birthday?" She shrugs, another yawn escaping her. "I think there's a card."

Sure enough, there was a white envelope placed delicately between the flowers. I carefully plucked it from where it sat, reading my name written in messy cursive on the front—I recognized the handwriting immediately. I took a sharp inhale, nearly dropping it while my heart hammers in my chest and my hands shake with nerves.

I opened the envelope and saw there was not only a card, but a flash drive tucked in it. I pulled the items out and began to read the card.

Happy Birthday, Love

I know things between us aren't the way they used to be, but I still want you to enjoy your birthday. I know that flowers don't make up for what I put you through, but I at least hope they put a smile on your face. I know they're your favorite.

I'm sorry that I haven't been home or called you, it's been difficult for me to comprehend all of this. Just know that not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of you.

I don't know where my head is at. I don't know what's to come of us, but one thing I do know is how much I love you. Don't forget that. Please.

-Your dweeb, Noah

P.S. Listen to the song on the flash drive whenever you're able to, or ready to. It's not finished, but I think you should hear it.

"I can't believe he remembered," I whispered, shaking my head. "He doesn't even like celebrating birthdays." I clutched the flash drive in my hand, curling my fist to my chest as I continued to read his note over and over again until the words blurred, my eyes filling with tears. I feel the card slip from my fingers, knowing Vic took it so she could read it, too.

"Damn," she breathes after a minute. "Of course he'd remember your birthday. He really loves you, Olivia—" "I fucked up," I whimpered, shaking my head incredulously as the tears fell from my eyes. "I've been so goddamn selfish." She plants her hands on my shoulders, having me look at her. "None of that, Liv. Your feelings are valid." "But I'm killing him, Vic!" I hollered, shouldering her hands off of me and taking a step back. "Then fix it." I scoffed, clapping my hands against the sides of my thighs in exasperation. "I-I can't just make myself fall back in love with him. That's not how that works—" "Then you have to let him try," she says sternly, folding her arms over her chest. "Because you know damn well that boy has been, but you're too stubborn to accept it. Too stubborn to accept that you both have had your lives change from moving across the country, and that you need to adapt to it. His career is just as hard on him, as it is on you."

I drop my gaze from her, bringing my attention back to the flash drive in my hand as I soaked in her words. "No more overthinking, no more planting fake scenarios in your head, and no more drinking.” I feel my heart skip a beat, shame making its way in. "I haven't been drinking," I mumbled a lie, spinning the plastic in my hands. "Cut the shit." She tips my head towards her by my chin, her hazel eyes fierce as they locked with mine. "You think I didn't notice the bottles by the recycling? I know damn well those aren't Noah's."

My eyes burn with fresh tears, my throat aches from trying not to cry. This was so fucking humiliating; being called out for all of your faults by your best friend, on your birthday, of all days. She was right, thought. I had to start accepting things for what they really are, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself, I had to stop drinking.

"I'm sorry Olivia," I feel Vic's thumbs swipe across my cheeks as she sighs. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I love you, and I can't watch my best friend fall apart again. It had to be said." "You're right," I nodded in her hands, not realizing I had been sobbing. "I gotta fix this."

Noah

I settled into the couch in the living room, wrapped in a large fleece blanket with a steaming cup of chamomile tea. I leisurely sipped at the tea, hoping it would calm my nerves a bit to take some pressure off my chest.

My chest was exceptionally tight today, the flowers spreading in my lungs accompanied by the apprehension I felt from sending Nicholas to my house with a bouquet of roses for Olivia.

It's been almost a month since I've seen her, and I wanted so badly to go home so that I could, but I was too afraid of what would unfold if I had. I was too winded to reason with her—it was hard enough trying to record the snippet of a song for her, nevermind the possibility of an argument after climbing the front steps, as small as they were. Breathing had become that difficult.

I heard the front door open, Nick making his way back in after the small task I gave him. "How you feeling?" he asks, shouldering off the light jacket he wore, hanging it up. I shrugged, "About the same." We're quiet for a beat as he joins me on the couch. "How is she?" "She wasn't home, but Vic was there. That was awkward to say the least," he snorts, kicking his feet up on the coffee table and leaning into the couch some. I let out the start of a chuckle, a round of coughs crashing over it.

I sat up quickly and put my tea on the table, already knowing what was to come as sharp pains shot through my ribs, my muscles strained from the amount of coughing I've been doing. I was genuinely surprised that I hadn't broken a rib yet like last time.

Even though I already knew what was coming, I never got used to the way my lungs burned as the flowers made their way out. The tiny thorns that accompanied the petals was the worst part, clawing into my throat as I coughed and coughed. I grabbed a tissue off the table, cupping my mouth to catch what I expelled.

Exhausted, I collapsed back against the cushions, my lungs rattling as I heaved, and tears welled in my eyes from the pain. I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to handle this—at this point, I was ready to ingest Roundup. Maybe that would kill the flowers growing inside me.

Nick takes the tissue from my hand, replacing it with the tea that I nearly forgotten. I gave him a weak smile in thanks as he stands. "You hungry? I can make you some soup or something." I shake my head 'no', and he rolls his eyes. "Too bad. You haven't been eating. You need to eat, dude." "Fine," I grumbled.

My phone chimes in my pocket, and with a huff I dug it out. I nearly drop it, reading the message across the screen.

Olivia: Thank you for the roses, they're beautiful.

It was such a short, simple message, but my heart swelled reading it. I smiled wide; it was like a huge weight being lifted off my chest finally hearing from her. I felt like I could breathe a little easier.

Me: of course, love. i hope youre having a good birthday

Olivia: I am. This helped

"What's got you so happy?" Nick asks, and I hear the humor laced in his voice. I couldn't help the stupid grin on my face, reading our three texts over and over again. He hands me the chicken noodle soup that he heated for me, his eyebrow perked in curiosity. "She texted me." "I knew she would," he grins, clapping his hand on my shoulder and giving me a little shake. "Looks like there's another text." I looked down at my phone, and sure enough there was another message from Liv.

Olivia: Please come home soon. I miss you.

|Chapter 16|

[onlyancunin]

Hey guys,

a little update on my situation with my ex if anyone's interested. Gonna be a doozy, but there's just so much in my head right now and I know there might be some worrying about me.

Or maybe I'll just spark a bit of confidence in someone else ✨

You know how you get a pizza, all excited, try it, and it's not good? Like it was fine at first and hey, you were hungry, but with each bite it progressively got worse. Do you stopped after a piece or two or three. And just tossed out the rest.

But it was enough to give you a severe food poisoning. So you spend a good portion of the next however many days throwing up and not being able to meet with friends and family because you're too sick. And you're so frustrated, because the pizza wasn't even that good, and you didn't eat that much, but you're still unable to function??

So yeah, I got severe emotional poisoning from relationship with my ex. But after we broke up I got nowhere to go, and he agreed to continue living together, so that I can move out once I secure money for deposit and whatnot.

Never go for that.

Last Sunday ex threw another jealous fit at me, making me unable to work for another 2 days - and then he was off to holiday with his friends (which couldn't come quick enough, I literally counted hours for him to leave). That left me and severely poisoned, but also gave me opportunity to collect myself and regroup a little away from him.

3 days later I had a new place and just today I got the keys.

Coincidentally my post about him about two months ago sparked a friendship with someone from here (Tumblr is a country okay). She kept me together through all that and let me tell you this was fucking tantalizing. It's surreal how things can change in such a short time. Having her as a friend truly opened my eyes as to what a relationship is NOT, seeing how someone who was just a stranger a few months ago, today cared for me more than he ever did.

I gave myself up for scraps of attention and believed when everyone around was telling me he is "one of the good guys". He came from nice, big family, with stable finances, nice group of friends. A noble job, a paramedic, which always impressed my sorry graphic design/IT developer ass. Like the only thing I'm saving is oceans from existing with the amount of shit that's being produced partly by my designs. So it felt good to be supportive of the good person and finally have a family, since I do not have one of my own.

Which is probably why I took the break-up so badly, even if I initiated it. I felt incredibly guilty for letting everyone around down. Everyone loved him. And I mean everyone. The only thing I ever aired I discussed with people outside of our common friends, and those were the people who told me something doesn't add up. And as I started following my gut feeling (and had a speedrun to breakup by hurting my knee and needing help where my ex completely dropped the ball), he started acting up. Suddenly setting boundaries with his family was me being jealous over him even having one, I just couldn't understand apparently how I'll never be the most important to him. Me asking him to be here for me when I'm having a hard time was met with "You're having a hard time EVERY DAY!".

Essentially I just ruined his family visits, his vacation with my knee injury, his days with my bad moods etc. But he ruined one too many Sundays for me.

So here I am, packing my sh#t and planning what goes where because I know I will be thoroughly exhausted after all things are moved, so I need to plan ahead.

And I still throw up emotionally, sobbing every 10 minutes, I don't even know why anymore. I just cry until I stop and then I continue prepping for move.

It's just a bad pizza.